Some say that it’s the cover of a book that really sells it; whilst others opine that it’s the blurb on the back. Well I don’t know: I just try my best to make both attractive. Here’s how my Junior Earplug Adventures look – both on the electronic cover and the metaphysical back page.
The Museum of Future Technology
WARNING: SUITABLE FOR CHEEKY CHILDREN ONLY. In a world where the highest form of life is the earplug, anything is possible – especially in the Museum of Future Technology where EVERYTHING is possible. Follow the adventures of five young pinky/orange earplug brothers – Rudi, Valentine, Miles, Chester, and Magnuss – as they explore the infinite potential of an edifice from the other end of time.
Museum of Terror
WARNING: THIS BOOK IS SUITABLE ONLY FOR SILLY PEOPLE. The Earplug Brothers’ adventure continues. This time they must contend with subterranean dwellers and zombies emerging into the museum; robots from the future; the military in pursuit of biological androids; some beach bums from Spain; a strange creature that can manipulate time; a hat-wearing contest against a group of Italian professional hat-wearers; their Auntie Doris; and some female weightlifters who can break wind in a most spectacular fashion! Another day at the office really.
The Invasion from Hyperspace
WARNING: THIS BOOK IS ONLY SLIGHTLY DISGUSTING. The situation becomes grim for the occupants of the Museum of Future Technology, when an invading army of End Caps attack from Hyperspace. Everyone must band together if they hope to repel the loathsome orange invaders. Some other stuff happens too.
WARNING: FAMILY-FRIENDLY CONTENT. NOTHING TOO DISGUSTING. It’s the day after the thwarted attack from Hyperspace, and it’s clean-up time. But in the Museum of Future Technology it can never be that simple. Cue an attempted take-over by a delusional earplug who is under the control of a robot bent upon revenge.
Third Day of the Earplug
WARNING: SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF REQUIRED. It is the third day following the arrival of the Earplug Brothers in the Museum of Future Technology. And if those five heroic earplugs thought that they might enjoy a quiet day, they were going to be very disappointed. Trouble was already brewing – and that didn’t include the impending zombie apocalypse!
Cometh the Earplug
WARNING: THIS BOOK CONTAINS A HUGE NUMBER OF CHAPTERS! When danger comes visiting in the Museum of Future Technology, who do you call for? Magnuss Earplug, that’s who. Cometh the moment, cometh the earplug, or so they say. The usual mayhem ensues.
NON-WARNING: Totally compatible with silly people of any age. Magnuss Earplug and his bounty hunter girlfriend, Hair-Trigger Provost, have been carried away to an alternative reality in which everyone they know is an evil counterpart of those they have left behind in their version of the Museum of Future Technology. And not only do the young couple have to find their way back to their ‘home’ reality: but they must also free the alternate museum from the tyranny of evil!
Return of the Prodigal Earplug Vol One
The Family Friendly saga of sentient earplugs continues. Whilst Magnuss and Hair-Trigger struggle to find their way back to the REAL Museum of Future Technology, the grand depository of advanced ‘tech’ succumbs to another threat. This time it’s a Cork God who has escaped imprisonment in a stasis field. Can Magnuss return in time to thwart his evil plan?
Return of the Prodigal Earplug Vol Two
Ballington the Cork God now rules a disjointed Museum that remains torn by Time Storms. And Mr Zinc is up to no good in an 11th century Irish peat bog too. Not to mention interfering Time Techs from the future. Oh yes, it’s all go-go-go down at the Museum of Future Technology!
Martian Interlude Vol One
With a volcano erupting in the foyer, it’s time to evacuate the Museum of Future Technology. Unfortunately the only course of action open to the museum’s curators and the remaining staff and visitors is a flight to Mars!
Martian Interlude Vol Two
The Earplugs of the Museum of Future Technology have moved to Mars – and they’ve been treading on someone’s toes in the process. Little do they suspect that troubles brewing. Prepare for armageddon!
Worstworld Vol One
With their business on Mars concluded, it’s time for the passengers and crew of Ship Number Fifteen to begin the voyage back to Earth and the Museum of Future Technology. But Captain Horatio Noseblower hadn’t reckoned on the arrival of a vengeful Hyperspace Pirate mothership. Yikes – is disaster about to befall the brave Earplug adventurers?
Worstworld Vol Two
What a nightmare planet Worstworld turns out to be. An impending supernova is not good news for starters. There’s loads of other stuff happening to our intrepid earplug explorers too. And who could possibly feel secure on a planet that has a mystical mountain kingdom named Kah-Ki-Pu?
Stepladder to the Stars
Museum of Future Technology curator, Hakking Chestikov, visits the mystical mountain kingdom of Kah-Ki-Pu for cosmetic surgery. The resulting physiological changes exceed his wildest dreams, but personal disaster strikes on the return journey, which ultimately leads to potential salvation from extermination for the braver souls of Worstworld.
WARNING: Totally safe for all the family. Well relatively safe anyway. The Museum of Future Technology’s solitary star ship discovers an ice world that exists in a state of permanent cold war. Like really cold – as in bloody freezing cold. And it is a war that no earplug can possibly hope to win! Or is it? Is skulduggery abroad in the land of perpetual chill?
Liberation Vol One
WARNING: Suspension of Disbelief required. When the Wetworlder’s first starship follows the K T Woo to the Ice Planet, its creator and nominal captain, Professor Hydious Gout, never imagined that he would need to divert its considerable resources towards saving two civilisations from certain doom.
Liberation Vol Two
WARNING: Contains wanton destruction, violence, artful wind-breaking, and earplugs. Denied access to the Museum of Future Technology, the crew and passengers of the imaginatively named Ship Number Fifteen decide that it’s time to kick serious Future Robotic ass. War ensues!
Return to the Museum of Future Technology
WARNING: Contains many chapters with a shed-load of words and pictures. This tale follows the journeys of would-be Museum of Future Technology visitors. Some are disillusioned Monks of the Order of the Holey Vest. Another is a delusional conquistador. And there are others too – like a Nun with a magical hat, and an obsessed ticket office worker. But most significantly we see the return of that wannabe dictator, Mister Zinc. Whoo-hoo – go for it, Mister Zinc!
Unity Vol One
WARNING: There’s so much happening in this tale that it’s difficult to draw breath. The Curators, the Earplug Brothers, and the 7th Cavalry (amongst others) are battling the forces of Mister Zinc; the K T Woo flees into space; and there are still visitors trying to get into the museum – for a variety of reasons; one of which is to take revenge upon Don Quibonki!
Unity Vol Two
WARNING: Minimum requirements for reading this story are; a high degree of silliness and a degree in Science-Fiction. Oh, and a belief that living earplugs really could exist wouldn’t be a bad attribute either. This story includes serious problems for the Chi-Z-Sox from the Supreme Being. Lots of bafflement. And problems too for Mister Zinc from the Earplug Brothers and a certain Nun with a magical hat. In other words – it’s business as usual in the Museum of Future Technology.
Plunging Into Peril
WARNING: Only silly people should read this photonovel. Peril comes in many forms, and you can bet your ass that the idiot earplugs of the Museum of Future Technology will gleefully plunge into it. Adventure ensues. The magnum opus rolls on…
Those Magnificent Earplugs
From the farthest reaches of space comes the worst news possible for the silicon residents and visitors of the Museum of Future Technology: the K T Woo has been destroyed, with the loss of all hands aboard. Step up Magnuss Earplug: just one of many magnificent earplugs whose self-appointed task is to right wrongs and make good. Is it possible that those brave astronauts might yet live? Some other stuff happens too.
When the former female weightlifter and now Museum of Future Technology resident, Nennigross Numbwinkle, climbed from her slumbers that fateful morning, she couldn’t have imagined how her suspicions concerning a passing group of trans-galactic prospectors would lead herself; her best friend, Catford Greene; their hairdressing boyfriends, Lucian and Julian Morecrisp; and their pet plugmutt, Fang, into the adventure of their life. If she had, she might have stayed in bed!
We Stand Accused
Little did Throgennis Frote suspect, when he defrauded his uncle out of his hover pad emporium, that within hours of taking over he would be put on trial for the crimes of all earplugdom. The penalty of a guilty verdict? Extinction for all earplugs!
Blurb or cover: which one sways you?