Tag Archives: tooty the chef

Tooty the Chef and the Near Linguine Cheese Disaster

Tooty the Chef had been talked into attempting his late wife’s signature Spaghetti Cheese. Despite a talent that transcends gastronomy, he had his doubts – especially when he discovered that the larder contained insufficient quantities of Italy’s finest export (not counting Asti Spumante of course). So he went with Linguine instead. I mean, why not: it’s all bloody pasta, isn’t it? After boiling it for the required period of time, he drained the sloppy result and went looking for his world-famous Roasting Thing. But, oh curses; something inexplicable had happened to his world-famous Roasting Thing. A corner had fallen off!

What a to-do. And what was he to do? His other Roasting Thing was too small and oval shaped. No good at all. Then his late wife came to the rescue. The thought entered his head that he should look on the bottom shelf – right at the back – of the kitchen corner unit; a place that is best known for chill winds and stygian darkness. And there he found it: a new, never-been-used Roasting Thing. So he mixed the linguine with some chopped tomatoes, passata, tomato paste, garlic paste, grated cheddar, grated mozzarella, black pepper, spaghettata al limone, and peas. The gooey result was then hurled into the middle shelf of a maxxed-out oven for twenty-five minutes…

Yippie – spaghetti cheese – just the way his children’s mother used to make it…

…except for the linguine – so it wasn’t quite the same. But it was similar. Another success for the floppy-buttocked burk!

Tooty the Chef’s Tips on Presentation.

Here’s a very simple tip to follow from Tooty the Chef…

It really doesn’t matter how you slap the grub on the plate: just make sure that the cutlery matches the accompanying drink. Or vice versa. The guests / recipients will be so impressed that no one will notice the food…

Hoi Sin stir fry, by the way. Tasty.

Throw Something Together Quick with Tooty the Chef

If you’re anything like Tooty (unlikely, but there must be one or two) you too will be the forgetful sort who arses about doing inconsequential stuff when you should be preparing that meal you so hate cooking – but have to because no one else will. Well, guess what, that happened to Tooty, only today. There he was, thoroughly enjoying himself, doing something that didn’t need doing, when the clock chimed – to remind him that time was of the essence. Something needed cooking, and it needed cooking now. Enter Tooty the Chef…

No time for planning: action was needed. And action it got – whatever ‘it’ was. Straight out of the fridge, an onion was rapidly diced…

This was quickly followed by some breakneck carrot shaving…

and dicing into quite large lumps. As were some sweet potatoes…

Already an idea had burst with incandescence from the fertile mind of the aging gastronome..,.

Pork fillet and pre-made puff pastry. Tooty the Chef was gonna make a pie sort of thing. So it was time to trim off the nasty fatty bits of the pork fillet…

…and cut it into slices…

…which, in turn, were reduced to lumps approximately twice the size of the sweet potato chunks…

…coz everyone knows that meat cooks waaaay quicker than sturdy root vegetables.

Next up, the pastry invited an assault of the rolling pin kind…

Sadly this meant that Tooty the Chef had to re-injure his problematic shoulder by reaching high into the wall cupboard for some flour…

…which resulted in unprintable expletives that might have included, “Bum”, “Arse”, and “Deary me, that did hurt so, I don’t know what to do.”

But, naturally, he quickly overcame the agony, and before you could say: “Forget it bladder: I’m not going to the toilet until this job is finished”, his quicksilver fingers were rolling out the pastry…

Then a thought struck. It was a fundamental sort of thought. It went: “Ugh, whatta my gonna cook this in?” Time to go searching the cooking crockery cupboard that his late wife kept so well stocked, and which he is yet to clear out…

Please note fabulous yellow trousers. From this angle, I bet you’re glad he no longer cooks sans ligerie. Well there were quite a few bowls and stuff that were microwave and dishwasher-proof. But only one that was oven-proof. Like it or not, all the ingredients would have to fit inside it. Using the bowl as a template, Tooty the Chef cut two circles of pastry… 

One, he placed in the bottom of the bowl…

After all, he did describe this as a ‘pie sort of thing’, not actually a pie.

A decision was then required. What spices to add to the ingredients? Hmmm, tricky. So he tried pot luck and selected some Spanish stuff intended for chimichurri… 

…which he mixed in with the onion, sweet potato, carrot, and pork. He then rammed the whole lot into the bowl…,

…and laid the second circle of pastry on top – whilst using the left-overs to seal the edge and create a wonderful central decoration that wouldn’t have disgraced Leonardo Di Vinci…

Here it is in a moodier light…

The speckles in the pastry are some of the spices that stuck to his hands. He didn’t wash them off before applying the top: he doesn’t approve of waste. Naturally the bowl was eased into a pre-warmed (and maxxed-out) oven, for (he estimated) fifty-five minutes…

Fifty-five minutes later…

Yum, or what! A drop of beef gravy, and voila...

See, cooking aint so bad. It doesn’t have to take hours. Give it a go. Let your imagination loose. Take a chance with the ingredients. The result will always be palatable to someone – even if it’s only the dog. He hates to admit it, but Tooty the Chef has found that cooking can almost be rewarding.

Tooty the Chef Gets Auto-Restorational

Everyone knows Tooty the Chef…

…and his inspirational recipes for people who don’t really want to cook, but have to…

Well, back in 2014 he happened upon a low-milage Toyota Corolla for sale at the side of the road. His wife drove one, and he liked it so much that he didn’t hesitate to buy it…

But the passage of time was not kind to his pride and joy.  Five years of daily commuting and weekends away, plus three years of dissuse on the hard standing, took their toll upon the sadly fading and peeling paintwork. Deciding to give it a visual ‘once over’ Tooty tore off the wheel trims and was appalled by the condition of the rusting wheels…

Things weren’t much better in the wheel arches either…

And the sight of the crud-encrusted suspension and brake fittings really ‘shat him up’…

So a major clean-up was undertaken with alacrity…

Now all thoughts of the day’s food preparation had been dismissed as inconsequential. Tooty the Chef had become Tooty the Auto Restorer – despite the fact that he knows sod-all about mechanicking, and usually pays other people to get their mits dirty. But, coming over all ‘Wheeler Dealer’, he pulled off the wheels and began cleaning off the dirt and rust…

But he was quickly thwarted when water became trapped in the micron-thin gap between the surfaces of the rim and hub of his pressed steel wheels. Fortunately our favourite chopping board champ is also an improvising kinda guy, and before long he’d dug out a paint-stripping heat gun that hadn’t seen use since the mid-nineteen nineties…

Naturally it worked fabulously. How could it not? But after Tooty had applied a coat of rust conversion liquid…

…that same micron-thin gap came back to haunt him, and those improvisational skills were required again…

Yes, he set-to  with a propane blow torch. And it was so successful that Tooty simply had to make a celebratory corned beef and masdamm cheese toasted sandwich..

So, as the last day of March 2022 came to a close, all five wheels now bore a coat of red oxide primer…

And very nice they looked too. But as the first day of April dawned, Tooty knew that a plan that had been festering in his head for hours would require action. He decided to go with a Spanish theme for the wheel resto. So, as a cold north-easterly blasted through his workplace with the gusto of a ravaging  hoarde of Viking warriors, Tooty masked off the tyres  and pulled out his rattle-can of bright yellow paint…

Despite the icey blast playing havoc with his aging bladder, the wielder of the spatula soon had his tatty wheels all spruced up and looking dandy…

…even if he, himself was feeling far from dandy. Knackered would be more accurate. But, as he touched up a few areas that appeared slightly less than perfection itself…

…rain, sleet, and a flurry of snow intervened…

But, being a hardy sort, a quick cup of coffee was partaken, and he was soon back on the case. And, oh my,  what a result…

Fortunately a delivery van arrived, on cue,  with a set of wheel trims that Tooty had ordered on-line. A quick and timely service soon softened the garish wheels…

…leaving Tooty so pleased with himself that he made a delicious  chicken curry…

…that was really nice. Gosh, what a multi-talented individual he is. And such good automotive taste too!

Tooty the Chef: Remember Him?

Does this ugly mug look familiar?

The apron seems to have gone Absent With Out Leave, and the hat looks decidedly kitchen drawer-worn; but, yes, it’s Tooty the Chef. And look, he’s set the counter top with some ingredients…

Hmmm, let’s see what he’s prepared for his latest fabulous gastronomic concoction. Well inspiration came when his local Waitrose offered a pair of leeks at a reduced price – due to their age and less-than-pristine condition. Instantly his fertile mind slipped into high gear and he began to imagine what could be done with half a jar of macaroni; the dregs inside a bag of grated cheese; and some bacon medallions that had been sitting at the bottom of the fridge for three weeks. Well it was obvious really: macaroni/leek/bacon cheese! So whilst he boiled the macaroni and steamed the leeks…

…he lay the bacon (and some sliced peppers) on some olive oil in his famous Roasting Thing…

…and waited. When, eventually, the macaroni was sufficiently softened, and the leeks appeared most-way cooked, he stirred them together with some cheese sauce. Then it was simply a matter of pouring the goo on top of the bacon/peppers combo; then scattering the grated cheese on top of the lot…

…and shoving it in the maxxed-out oven (of course), This was followed by some sodding about for twenty-five minutes, until the meal was cooked good and proper…

Yep, despite all his frailties, the culinary cretin is back…

And this time he’s keeping his buttocks to himself!

Tooty the Chef’s Turdacious Trifle

You may not be aware of the fact, but Tooty the Chef does like a good trifle. He doesn’t make good trifles, but he does like them, which keeps him trying and trying again to make one of his own. Here are the photographs that tell the latest sorry tale.

It was obvious, from the start, that only alcohol would provide the necessary ‘something extra’ that a good trifle needs, but when Tooty the Chef went looking in the cupboard beneath the microwave ovens, all he could find was Gin, Brandy, Vodka, and Chichon. Obviously the first three were no-nos; but Chinchon looked hopeful – until he realised that both planned recipients of the trifle hated aniseed. So alcohol was out. Instead he proceeded  without a plan. Well a sort of plan that included using up stuff that had been laying around for quite a while. First of all (instead of sponge fingers) he used almond fingers – adding some black cherries…

…and strawberry jelly suffused with the juice from the black cherry tin and some cranberry drink, upon which he sprinkled ground almonds…

To this he added some raspberry jelly, made with more cranberry drink…

…which he left overnight in the fridge. The following morning he boiled up some custard…

…and threw a quarter bottle of ancient almond extract in, with a few cake decorations that were only seven years out of date. Sadly the expected swirls of colour never materialised; but the extra sugar content must have boosted the temperature, because as soon as he began to add it to the solidified jelly, the solidified jelly de-solidified itself, and the custard sank onto the resulting liquid. Naturally panic set in, and the mess was quickly returned to the fridge…

…which meant that the remaining custard became congealed and lumpen…

Then fortune smiled upon our favourite gastronome: the jelly re-solidified in record time, allowing him to splat lumps of custard between the sunken islands in the raspberry ocean…

Then it was simple matter of whipping up some Dream Topping (not real cream – it’s too fattening – and he didn’t have any)…

…and slapping it on top of the cooled, solidified custard…

…with a dusting of sugar crystals for effect.

The result?

Quite nice actually – but there were too many almond fingers, which almost sucked the lower levels dry.

So what did Tooty the Chef learn from this?

He learned that before he attempts another trifle, he is going to visit a purveyor of cheap sherry. Clearly only proper alcohol  will suffice.

 

 

 

Tooty the Chef Wallpaper: Worm Casserole

Of course there are no worms in Tooty the Chef’s Worm Casserole – after all, despite their undoubted wonderful flavour, worms just wouldn’t feel right in a casserole. And they would probably melt and become horribly gooey too. No; it is what the great gastronome added to a regular Pork Casserole that has inspired the name. Sliced peppers. After six hours in a slow cooker, sliced peppers look remarkably like colourful worms. And they wriggle convincingly too…

Very Klingon, I think you’ll agree. And check out those dumplings. Not out of a packet of ready-made dumpling mix; but actually crafted from beef dripping and flour by Tooty the Chef himself. His talent is amazing. Better still, he keeps the left-overs in the fridge for a couple of days to marinate further, then serves them on a bed of cous-cous. Is there no end to this man’s creativity?

Tooty the Chef Wallpaper: Black is the New…err…Rice

There are few things in life more exciting than selecting which rice should go with a particular meal. Well actually there are. Waiting to parachute from an airplane would probably edge it. And pinning the throttle as you launch from the start gate at your local motocross grandprix must run it close. But, as a fabulous gastronome, selecting rice is right up there with scuba diving  with Tiger sharks. On this occaision Tooty the Chef thought that as a compliment  to sweet and sour chicken, Thai Black Rice couldn’t be bettered – especially  when he steamed peas and adami beans over the rice cooker…

And, of course, he was entirely corrrect.

Tooty’s Fashion For Fogeys

It’s a well-known fact that not all old fogeys are as fashion-conscious as Tooty. They will happily go out in public in beige and grey. It’s almost as if it’s an age-dependent uniform. “I’m old,” they must think, “colour is an anathema so someone with so many years under his belt: I’m going out in public: where are my beige trousers and my light-weight grey jacket with matching flat cap?”  They will then step into their silver-grey Honda Civic and proceed to Waitrose at a snail’s pace.

Well, if you’re a regular here, you’ll know that Tooty the Chef will always dress inappropriately for both his age and the occasion. Check out his last display…

Yes, a red Waitrose Christmas apron with a Homer Simpson pajama top. Nothing wrong with that. But Tooty the Non-Chef also thinks about what will appear best suited to making him look…ah…non-linear in a chronological sense. By chance he does possess a single pair of beige trousers. He’s not proud of the fact; but at least there is no grey light-weight jacket or flat cap in his warddrobe with them. And, oh dear, he does drive a silver-grey car to Waitrose too. But it isn’t a Honda: and it’s due to be replaced with a snazzy bright blue car. So, today, as he prepared to go shopping, he pulled on his beige trousers and looked at himself in the mirror. “How very tedious,” he said eloquently, “you look like an old fart. Best do something about it.” So he went straight to his shirt warddrobe and fetched out a ghastly nylon shirt that he bought (in a moment of madness) in a Benidorm street market. But even that wasn’t sufficient to totally eradicate the fogey-ness of the trousers. So to the sock drawer he marched – delving deeply into its caverous embrace and having a good old rummage. This is what he found there…

Matching socks – and a red belt too. Almost perfect. See, he may be getting on a bit; but he refuses to be a boring old fart! 

P.S It’s a shame he made such a balls-up of the ironing: those creases don’t look at all groovy. Or maybe its just the bad light.