Tooty the Chef and the Sweet Pork Thingamabobs

Tooty the Chef quite enjoys making chicken goujons. He’s not demonstratively adept at them, but they taste quite pleasant, even though they tend to bind together in  one huge roasted lump that needs separating with a jackhammer. Well, on this particular day the wonder-cook  discovered that he lacked a vital ingredient for chicken goujons: chicken. So he selected a pack of chilled pork instead…

Pork goujons, I guess. Naturally he sliced off the (already trimmed) nasty fatty bits. You know how he feels about them. Almost as bad as a dose of the clap…

So far, so good. Slicing them into chicken goujon-like strips couldn’t have been easier – what with him  using only the best pork available. i.e it didn’t come from Asda…

It was upon completion of this most important phase in the procedure that he discovered that he was sans / sin another necessary ingredient.

Does this guy ever plan his meals? No – he wings every one of them, obviously.

This time it was the binding agent for the breadcrumbs. He’d used the last of his eggs on the most recent batch of Tooty’s Tapas Cakes! What to do? Stand back – genius at work…

From the Exotic Foodstuffs cupboard, he selected some cinnamon flavoured honey from…you guessed it…Spain! This went in the pan for a quick melting action…

Then, with the heat off, the pork thingamabobs joined the honey, and were sloshed about until liberally coated…

After that it was a simple task to dig out the remains of his Waitrose breadcrumbs, and mix up a bunch of spices…

…blending them together with a deft flick of an experienced wrist…

…before tipping the last of the freezer’s oven chips on to a roasting tray and coating them with some Patatas Bravas mix…

Once the chips were ready to enter the oven, Tooty coated the pork with the breadcrumbs by simply mixing them together…

…then spreading them on a  roasting tray and shoving them in the oven with the chips, which went on the slightly cooler (less volcanic) upper shelf. This, nearly a half hour later, resulted in much the same manner as his chicken goujons…

…a dry lump of unrecognisable yumminess. But that was no problem for Tooty the Chef: he simply added some moisture – in the shape of a tin of baked beans. Isn’t that what all great chefs do?

Tooty’s Tapas Cakes

Tooty the Chef has endured the presence of a Spanish ‘Bizcocho’ cake mix in his cupboard for several years. His late wife bought it in a branch of Mercadona  yonks ago, but failed to use it because her propane oven was guaranteed to burn the bottom of the resulting cake. Although, by the time he decided to throw caution to the wind and risk a horrible burning smell permeating the structure of his modern cottage, buried deep within (or actually at the very edge of) the South Downs National Park,  the mix was two years out-of-date, he bravely ‘went for it’. As expected the base was burnt and the cake failed to rise. No result. The second attempt, though, was a work of genius – naturally. Tooty mixed up the goo, added eggs and all that other stuff, then (instead of pouring it into a baking tin) he pulled eight tapas bowls from the kitchen cupboard and baked it in them…

They even popped out of the tapas bowls in one piece – and not even slightly burnt!

“Not too bad,” I hear you gasp in wonderment. But he wasn’t finished there. He then proceeded to coat the bases of four cakes with Membrillo…

He quickly followed with a heavy smearing of caramel fondant…

Then it was a simple matter of slapping the naked four cakes on top to form a kind of sponge thing…

Okay, they were a bit chewy, but they tasted nice, despite the fact that he didn’t have any sugar in the house – except a half-tub of soft brown sugar that was (at the least) five years out-of-date. So, all in all, when all things are considered, another triumph for Tooty the Chef!

 

A Top Tip From Tooty the Chef: Cooking When Drought Starts to Bite

It’s a furnace outside. The garden has withered. The lawn is brown – especially where the dogs piss. The ceiling fan is spinning like a demented loony. You’re hot and very bothered. Even the water from the cold tap feels warm. And you have to prepare THIS for dinner…

Desperate times demand drastic action. Cue the answer from Tooty the Chef. When heat and flies make your kitchen seem like an absolute hell-hole – stay cool and strike back by exposing your own!

 

Tooty the Chef’s Quick Tip: Sell-By Date Due

You’ve noticed that a packet of sauce in your cupboard is in danger of becoming obsolete overnight: whatta ya do? If you’re anything like Tooty the Chef, you’ll smile with eagerness…

…coz that means you can use up that freezer-burnt fish in the bottom drawer, and those floppy veggies in the fridge…

In this case Il Maestro placed some equally ancient American long grain rice in the  rice cooker…

…and steamed the rest  on top.  Then, following the customary ‘ding’ from the rice cooker to indicate that it had done it’s thing, it was simply a case of mixing up the fish sauce with milk; boiling it stupid; then pouring it over the rice / veggies / fish combo. The result? Well the result was so good that it got eaten before the camera came out of the bag!

PS If you don’t have a rice cooker – get one!