Tag Archives: kitchens

Tooty the Chef in ‘Root Canal: Toots Banal’

After several days of the abject misery that comes with having unrelenting toothache, Tooty the Chef went for a quick bit of root canal work. Finally, after so many missed lunches and dinners, he could let his culinary imagination loose. Only, when the time arrived, he seemed strangely lacking in that department. Late week meals are usually a special time when he uses up the remnants in the fridge, and his imagination is allowed to soar into the gastronomic stratosphere: but this time around the fridge was replete with perfectly usuable stuff that wasn’t out of date. So, rather reluctantly, he chose these very sensible items…

So what do we have? L to R = sliced pork, courgettes, breadcrumbs, eggs, ras el hanout, dessicated cheese sauce, cheddar cheese, olive oil, and cauliflower.

Naturally time was of the essence, so it was out with the microwave cooking thing…

…into which he placed the chopped-up cauliflower, and placed into the microwave oven for nine minutes…

Then Tooty the Chef laid into the courgettes, slicing them into thick slices with gay abandon…

Quickly followed by the breaking of eggs into a bowl and the addition of a generous sprinkling of ras el hanout, followed by a quick whisk of the ghastly mess that ensued…

But, of course, he didn’t choose sufficient eggs. He never does. Fortunately he had another in the fridge…

Then it was dip-the-courgettes-in-the-eggs time…

And again with the slices of pork…

At this point the microwave went ‘beep’, so the good chef tipped the super-heated cauliflower into a roasting thing…

Tooty absolutely hates making sauces from packets; but being a really good egg who always does the right thing, he went straight ahead without complaint…

By the way, here’s a simple cookery tip to save time and retain your sanity. When you’ve poured the sauce over whatever it is you pour sauce over, don’t use a spoon to retrieve the dregs: use a spatula. Cuts down on time and energy and waste…

Of course, as you’ve probably discovered yourself, cheese sauce by itself is utter shit: you must add grated cheese to it. Now normally Tooty would have gone straight to the nearest packet of pre-grated cheddar from either Sainsburys or Waitrose: but he only had a bag of Cheddar and Mozzarella, which, as you also have probably discovered, is like super-powerful spiders web when cooked. So there was no other course of action open to him: he had to open the fridge, select a lump of cheddar…

…and GRATE IT HIMSELF! Aargh! Then he sprinkled it on the steaming cauliflower….

So, having prepared one element of his wondrous meal for the oven, he returned to the pork/egg amalgam, which he coated with the breadcrumbs…

Likewise the courgettes, which he placed into an olive oil lined roasting thing…

Of course, assuming that pork and courgettes cooked at the same rate – but having no evidence to support this belief – he placed the pork into the roasting thing beside the courgettes…

And being a waste-not-want-not kind’a guy, he poured on the egg dregs…

The oven, which had been maxxed-out for a good fifteen minutes, then welcomed into its bosom the two roasting things…

This gave Tooty the Chef time to sit down for a while – forty minutes actually – to jeer whatever annoyed him on TV, which is most things…

After that it was a  simple matter of retrieving the perfectly roasted cauliflower…

…selecting some Pimms Number One to accompany his regulation sugar-free Sprite…

…grabbing the pork/courgette mix and slapping it on to the pre-heated plates…

…then adding some coleslaw…

…before sitting down to discover that he is the jammiest chef in Britain. Somehow it worked out  fab yet again!

 

Chef Tooty in…High-Speed Cheffing!

A hardened end-of-the-week produce chef must often ponder what he or she is going to do with the paltry remains of the week’s shop in the kitchen larder. It’s a task to test the Devil himself, I can tell you. But once the chef has found a degree of inspiration, how is he or she going to actually cook it? Ponder, ponder, ponder…

On this particular occaision, Chef Tooty discovered that he had a number of sweet potatoes in the fridge…

“Hmmm,” he thought, “I feel a blaze of brilliance about to erupt inside my ageing, but still fertile mind. I can add these to the couple of ordinary spuds.”

But, of course, a few potatoes does not a gastronomic delight make. He needed something extra-special. Needless to say he found it in the bottom of the freezer. And it was only thirteen months old!

“Perfecto!” He bellowed. “All I need is some sauce or other.”

Lo and behold, on the top shelf, at the back of the cupboard, hid this…

A generic white sauce and some black pepper. More than enough for a foodilicious genius like wot Chef Tooty is. Then he noticed the time.

“Shit!” He roared, before adding “I have to be in the next town in thirty minutes, and it’ll take fifteen of them to get there!”

So, before he had time to cast aside his kitchen wear, he shifted into panic preparation mode…

In next to no time he’d spread a layer of olive oil in his famous roasting thing; peeled and sliced the regular potatoes and laid them on to the oil; removed the skin from two salmon fillets; likewise two trout fillets; sliced them into vaguely goujon-like shapes; laid them upon the spud layer with some sliced peppers; then peeled and sliced the sweet potatoes – laying them on top of the fish / peppers combo – followed by a generous sprinkling of black pepper. There was no time for fancy measuring out of the white sauce granules: he simply emptied the contents into a jug and kept stirring and pouring in boiling water until there was a lot of it and it was moderately runny. Then it was pour it over the ingredients time; slam it all into the oven; jump into some trousers; grab his wallet and car keys and be out the door with zero seconds to spare. An hour and a quarter later he returned to sprinkle some grated cheese on top of the nicely bubbling manifestation of the culinery art; warm some plates; pour out a glass of ginger mulled wine and Sprite; and present the world with this…

Actually he was so pleased with the result that he’d like to present it twice…in a more Parisian style…

“Et voila!”

And, bugger me, it was nice! His best yet.

Where’s Chef Tooty?

Every day millions of fans write in and complain that they haven’t seen a cooking blog here in yonks and yonks. “Has Tooty hung up his ladle?” They ask. Well that is a fair question, because there hasn’t been a cooking blog here in…er…yonks and yonks. You see this is the result of Tooty trying to wear too many hats. He’s so busy doing so many things that (at his age) he’s becoming forgetful. He finds that he is usually half-way through a meal before he remembers that he’s supposed to be taking pictures. So, just to assure all those who enjoy the cookery bits on HamsterBritain dot com, here is an especially taken snap of a genius at work. Yes, he is still cooking…

Master Chef at work

And, other than his feet, he can still fit inside the edges of a photograph too!