Tag Archives: earplugs

Earplug Adventures: Triple Threat (part 20)

It was the traversing of this extra-dimensional medium that cut days from the journey time of earlier vessels from Ice World to the freighter’s destination…

Returning to normal space, the craft skirted a well-charted asteroid; then proceeded in the direction of a watery blue planet. The planet, as anyone who had been aboard the K T Woo on its maiden voyage would recognise in an instant, was Wetworld. A planet almost entirely covered in water. Of course, it was to one of the few islands that dared poke their heads above the ocean swell that the freighter flew. Ginger, Daisy and Bunty were at a view screen to watch the vessel breach the surface there…

To their surprise, there was barely a bump in the ride as it passed from a gaseous medium, into a liquid medium.

“Good shocks, I guess.” Ginger said appreciatively.

She then noted a change in the ambient and ever-present noises aboard ship.

“Do I detect the sound of cavitation?” She asked no one in particular.

“Could be.” Daisy replied. “Especially if I knew what it meant.”

“It’s the noise propellers make under water, I think.” Bunty explained. “And, oh but listen: the sound is dying away.”

“The motors have settled into their new medium, I guess.” Ginger said as she dismissed the matter with a careless wave of her hand.

This proved to be the case. Consequently, a smooth passage was quickly made through the submarine canyons beneath the islands they supported…

Thereafter the freighter made good time across a region of ‘Great Lumpiness’…

…above which it sailed serenely – pausing only to wave at a local submarine going about its business in the opposite direction. Of course, the robotic crew were following a well-worn route to their ultimate destination on Wetworld. Therefore, only a short while passed before the freighter entered a submarine dock…

The act of unloading the ice cubes was a long and boring affair. Far too long and boring to relate here. Whilst it occurred, the three stowaways slept: they wanted to be fully awake for their return to space. And, indeed, this was their state of consciousness as the freighter climbed from the seabed amongst myriad bubbles created by submarine volcanic vents…

…and returned to the vacuum of space…

  “Whee,” they all cried out in sheer delight, “now we can go home.”

© Paul Trevor Nolan 2022

Aventuras con tapones para los oídos: Triple Amenaza (parte 17)

Mientras se producía este cambio de circunstancias, de vuelta en el Museo de Tecnología del Futuro, la presentación de diapositivas se había trasladado a otro planeta que la feliz pareja había visitado en su luna de miel…

“Ah”, gritó Magnuss al reconocer uno de los puntos más bajos del viaje, “Nonster planet”.

“¿No es un planeta?” preguntó Miles.

“¿Seguramente te refieres a Monster Planet?” sugirió Chester.

“Estrictamente hablando, se llama Monster Planet”, explicó Magnuss, “pero no tienen la letra N en sus procesadores de texto: así que eligieron la siguiente letra. Podría haberse llamado Bonster Planet: pero, desafortunadamente, la palabra ‘bonster’ es muy grosera: así que fueron en la dirección opuesta”.

“Ese es el Loch Mess Nonster”. Hair-Trigger les dijo. “Tuvimos mucha suerte de fotografiarlo: hace mil años que no se ve. E incluso entonces, la mayoría de la gente pensó que era un tronco, una ola o un paquete de papas fritas que se había sumergido parcialmente y se había empapado”.

En este punto del proceso, otra imagen de Nonster Planet reemplazó la foto de Loch Mess…

Esto provocó expresiones vidriosas y sonrisas fijas. Rudi lo comentó…

“El colosal pavo de dos picos de Zlob, ¿verdad?”

Magnuss parecía un poco avergonzado. “A diferencia del pavo de pico doble realmente grande de Zlob”. Él dijo. “No sabíamos la diferencia”.

“Uno es amigable y te lleva a dar un paseo por un pintoresco pozo de alquitrán”. Hair-Trigger habló en voz baja mientras recordaba su error. “El otro te arranca el culo de los pantalones de montaña y trató de morderte las nalgas”.

“Es por eso que elegimos sillas tan cómodas”. explicó Magnus. “Afortunadamente, nuestro seguro de viaje pagó la cirugía reconstructiva”.

“Pero nuestros traseros todavía están un poco tiernos”. Hair-Trigger añadido.

Afortunadamente, la incomodidad mental de la recién casada se detuvo abruptamente cuando apareció una escena de nieve en la pantalla…

“Somos nosotros,” comentó Hair-Trigger, “llegados al Hotel Bottox en el Mundo Helado. Ya sabes, el mundo de hielo, gobernado por Marnus Pongfinger.”

“Esos tipos que se van no parecen muy alegres”. Valentín observó.

Hair-Trigger volvió a usar el término “Hmmm”.

“Es un mundo frío”. explicó Magnus. “Como bien sabes, tú mismo has estado allí. Muy a menudo el agua del lavabo se congela: a veces hace falta un picahielos para romperla. Supongo que esos tipos tampoco sabían cómo hacerlo; o llegaron demasiado tarde con su aplicación”.

Sintiendo un grado de incomodidad en la audiencia, el proyector de imágenes futuristas rápidamente movió la imagen…

“Hair-Trigger,” dijo Magnuss, “probándose su nuevo gorro de invierno.”

“Encantador.” Miles opinó.

“Oye”, gritó Chester, “esa foto en la pared: ¡es Susan!”

“Así es.” Magnuss dijo con una sonrisa. “Desde que se derrumbó de la emoción en nuestra boda, la imagen de ella que se transmitió en el Canal de TV Trans-Galactic se ha vuelto muy popular. Le irá bien cuando empiecen a llegar los residuos, aunque también hay mucha piratería de su imagen”.

Mientras Magnuss estaba hablando, Hair-Trigger aprovechó la oportunidad para colocar la figura art déco en su base. Volviendo a su asiento…

… ella dijo: “Cariño, estamos siendo perseguidos otra vez”.

“Trata de ignorarlo, Peludo”. sugirió Magnuss. “Se aburren si los ignoras”.

Así lo hicieron, y fueron recompensados ​​con una vista de Magnuss y Hair-Trigger saliendo del Hotel Bottox…

“Cosa curiosa: sobre el Hotel Bottox”. remarcó Magnuss. “Cada vez que intentábamos salir, la nieve se intensificaba hasta convertirse en un desvanecimiento”.

“Y desde que finalmente nos alejamos, esa cosa en la ventana ha estado con nosotros”. remarcó Hair-Trigger.

“Tiene que ser el fantasma de algún Ice-Worlder, supongo”. sugirió Rudi.

Un par de Punting-Modesty Facepuncher XL5 que pasaban atronadoramente interrumpieron cualquier otra conversación que pudiera haber estallado sobre el tema…

“Oye”, aplaudió Valentine, “tienen que ser un par de mis aprendices. Ahora tenemos un montón de XL5, ya sabes. Suficiente para proteger el museo de cualquier número de invasores alienígenas. Frio.”

© Paul Trevor Nolan 2022

Behind the Scenes of Triple Threat

Whilst lighting engineers, Locust Trollop, Bloater McCallister, and Gerard Anus light Stage Five, the four central characters of Triple Threat – Bunty Bridgewater, Daisy Woodnut, Tong-Tong actor Pants Dimly, and Ginger Slack visit the Tankerville Norris Bridge set…

“It’s so big.” Bunty squealed with delight as the set was revealed to her for the first time. “I really like big ones. I think, secretly, everyone does.”

Daisy was more surprised by Stage Five’s actual existence: “There was I – thinking it was all green screen work these days. It’ll be so much easier to act on a proper set. It’ll bring out the thespian in me.”

Ginger was more pragmatic: “I noticed a toilet as we came in. That’s good. Every set should have a toilet. Preferably a Ladies  and a Gents.”

“Talking of toilets – and I don’t care which – unisex is fine,” Pants Dimly was heard to groan from inside the robot suit, “I’m really dieing for a poop: can someone unlatch my escape  hatch for me? I’ve dropped the key, and it’s dark in here!”

Aventuras con tapones para los oídos: Triple Amenaza (parte 14)

Dentro del barco, las tres chicas corrían peligro de perder sus bragas ya que las violentas vibraciones del despegue las sacudieron tontamente…

“Bunty,” gritó Daisy por encima del tumulto del metal crujiente y los impulsores rugientes, “he pensado cuál de nosotros soy yo, y no me gusta. Haz que pare el ruido: ¡me duelen los dientes! “

Fuera de la embarcación, que está sobre el Museo de Tecnología del Futuro, todo parecía sereno…

…Mientras la nave partía hacia lugares distantes.

Por supuesto, Gregor Arsentickler (mientras regresaba a su apartamento)…

…No tenía idea de que sus reclutas involuntarios estaban a bordo del carguero que partía y pasaba rugiendo por la ventana de su edificio. Si lo hubiera hecho, no se habría visto tan satisfecho de sí mismo. Además, y por la más notable de las coincidencias, el mismo carguero había asustado muchísimo a Chester mientras, momentos antes, también corría por el apartamento de Magnuss y Hair-Trigger…

Pero el inconveniente fue solo momentáneo, porque en poco tiempo la enorme nave negra viajaba a través de los campos de lavanda que crecían a poca distancia del museo…

Y, cuando el amanecer mostró un cielo rojo alentador sobre las montañas que conducía a la comunidad de agricultores de guisantes que abastecía al museo con todos y cada uno de los guisantes que se consumían allí, el barco subió abruptamente…

…y se abrió camino hacia el espacio. Esto dejó a los polizones reacios en alguna dificultad…

“Ginger, ten cuidado. No mires. Aparta tu mirada “. Daisy gritó alarmada: “¡Llevo unas bragas realmente insípidas que mi madre compró directamente a los importadores en los muelles!”

© Paul Trevor Nolan 2022

Earplug Adventures: Triple Threat (part 11)

As if in answer to Valentine’s question, the formerly blank screen erupted into photonic life…

“Good choice.” Said Rudi.

Meanwhile, in another part of the museum, Ginger was getting her bearings…

“Ooh,” she said, “just look out of the fancy window. We’re ever so high up. This must be the Red Tower.”

In an instant, she was joined by Daisy and Bunty. “The Red Tower?” They squealed in perfect unison.

Bunty then added, “But this is the highest building in the whole museum. The public aren’t allowed here. All sorts of things happen here. It’s top secret or something.”

She would have said more, but as the moonlight broke through one of the high windows, all three girls became aware of a great hulking shape in the shadows…

“Wha, wha, wha?” Daisy stuttered.

Ginger required clarification: “What is it?” She suggested.

“Yes,” Daisy replied as she reassembled her taut nerves into a shape that allowed her to speak, “what is it?”

“It’s a great hulking shape.” Bunty answered helpfully. “But the shadows are hiding it too well for me to make a positive identification. But it’s not breathing, so it can’t be alive.”

“It could be holding its breath.” Ginger argued.

“If it’s not alive,” Daisy said nervously, “it must be dead. Oh, by the Saint of All Earplugs – we’ve found a dead body. And if anyone finds us here, they’ll think we did it!”

Suddenly, it seemed, their situation was of the grimmest kind imaginable to three college girls. “Ooh-ur.” Ginger said intelligently.

But before she could elucidate further, a number of feeble lights lit up the scene…

A relieved Ginger swung around to address her friends: “Look, Daisy: it’s one of them big black flying things you like so much.”

Daisy couldn’t believe her eyes. “A space submarine freighter.” She said breathlessly. “And it’s here – right in front of me. If I want, I can walk up and touch it…with my bare fingers!”

But she didn’t, of course: she was too afraid of fainting from the thrill of it. So she sent Ginger and Bunty to take a closer look – to see if it really was the ‘real thing’, and not a mock-up or movie prop. However, as she received confirmation of the vessel’s authenticity, Daisy thought she heard an elevator arrive in a nearby corridor…

“Someone’s coming,” she hissed. “Quickly; hide!”

They didn’t waste a nanosecond: all three ran straight to the only door available to them…

“But this door is set into the side of the space submarine.” Ginger stated the obvious. “If we go inside there, we’ll be…we’ll be inside the space submarine!”

Daisy might have replied, “Yeah: good, innit?” But within moments of the elevator’s arrival, a number of earplugs and a group of former prisoner-of-war hyperspace pirate end cap engineers entered (what was clearly) the high-rise hangar…

“I told him,” one of the earplugs was saying to another, “it’s all well and good having this repair facility on the seventieth floor: but what if the elevator breaks down? We’ll spend half the day climbing up here, and the second half climbing back down. Nothing will get done.”

“Is ‘climbing’ the correct term to describe a means of descending.” The listener in the group replied. “Is it possible to actually climb down?”

“Mountain climbers do it all the time.” A third earplug interjected.

“Yeah,” a fourth chimed in, “anything else would be called ‘falling’. I wouldn’t want to fall down seventy floors, I can tell you!”

This was a fortuitous conversation because it gave the girls time to collect their wits and act positively…

“We’ll duck inside this maintenance hatch,” Bunty instructed the others.” Then, when all these techie-types have gone away, we can come back out again.”

“Yeah,” Daisy agreed, “and then we’ll slip away and go back to college like nothing ever happened at all. In a week this will have all blown over and been forgotten. You mark my words.”  

© Paul Trevor Nolan 2022

Earplug Adventures: Triple Threat (part 10)

Chapter 3

Meanwhile, in the habitation area of the Museum of Future Technology, Rudi Earplug and three of his brothers – those being Valentine and the twins, Miles and Chester, were approaching the apartment of Magnuss and Hair-Trigger Earplug…

“Remind me again, will ya, bro,” Valentine said to the eldest brother, “what are we here for? It aint a taco-eating contest, is it? Sure dig those tacos. Hotter the better. Hotter ‘n’ hell!”

“No, man,” Rudi replied, “sho’nuf aint no tacos tonight. We’re gonna see the newlywed’s honeymoon snaps.”

“Could be cool,” Chester said as he pressed the doorbell button…

…“maybe we’ll see pictures of Hair-Trigger on the beach.”

“Oh, Chester,” Miles chided him, “you mustn’t think of your new sister-in-law in such lewd terms. Remember: less visceral: more cerebral.”

However, when Hair-Trigger answered the door…

…even Miles found it difficult to suppress a “phwoar!”

“Hello, boys.” She said in welcome, “Step right in to our humble abode.”

Once inside, and with the front door closed behind them…

…she said, “Sorry we couldn’t attend your pool party this afternoon, but Security has deemed us both a biological threat source. Apparently, we’ve visited places on our honeymoon that are on the naughty list. I’m afraid you’ll all have to be decontaminated. We’ve got it set up just outside the TV room.”

They arrived at the door just as Magnuss was exiting it…

“Hi, guys.” He said. “I thought it best we all decontaminate together. Are you ready?”

“Do we keep our clothes on?” Chester inquired as he smiled appreciatively at Hair-Trigger.

“Yes, of course.” The disappointing reply came from Hair-Trigger, who knew full well what was going on in Chester’s head. “This is high-tech decontamination: you won’t even know it’s happening.”

Then this happened…

“Oh yeah,” Chester said as a searing light tried to burn its way into his brain via his retinas. “When does it begin?”

Naturally, Hair-Trigger failed to reply. Chester was being facetious after all. Instead, she and her new husband led the brothers into the Infotainment Room, where six chairs had been placed before a screen and futuristic image projector…

Miles couldn’t wait to try one on for size. “They look nice and comfy.” He said.

But he was less impressed by the emergency toilet in the corner of the room…

“Oh don’t be so old-fashioned and prudish, Miles,” Magnuss complained. “Open-plan living is all the rage, you know. But if you don’t like it, there’s another one at the end of the hall. It even has a door with a lock on it.”

Placated by this news, Miles then joined the others upon their chairs. He watched as a bright tell-tale light flashed upon the futuristic image projector. Clearly, the show was about to begin…

“Hey, Magnuss, bro,” Valentine asked from the opposite end of the line…

…”fancy views ya got from your apartment window. A real groove. So whatta ya call this holiday snap show?”

Paul Trevor Nolan 2022

Earplug News 24/7: Under Neptune’s Gaze

Despite the God of the Sea, Neptune’s disapproving stare; the deafening roar of a passing space submarine freighter; and an erupting volcano on the horizon, Iceworld scientist, Uda Spritzer took her paddle board to the aid of two drowning morons who forgot to tether their houseboat properly and were attempting to swim to shore in search of a public lavatory…

She was commended for her bravery by the local coastguard, but then cuffed around both ears and poked in the eye for contravening Health and Safety rules by failing to wear a life preserver vest or a lanyard to her paddle board. In response, spinster, Ms Spritzer was reported to have said: “Sod this: next time I’ll let the bastards drown.”

THIS FABULOUS WALLPAPER IS DOWNLOADABLE.

Aventuras con tapones para los oídos: Triple Amenaza (parte 4)

Capitulo 2

Varias horas después, Gregor Arsentickler se acercó a la puerta de su apartamento…

El lugar al que llamaba hogar estaba ubicado en el sector menos ostentoso de la zona de habitación del museo. Abundaban las paredes blancas, y cualquier decoración pública se encontraba en algún lugar al sur de lo minimalista. A Gregor le gustaba llamarlo “espartano”. Pero esta no fue la razón por la que nunca invitó a sus colegas a casa. Ésta no era la razón por la que siempre tomaba las rutas del circumbendibus a casa en un esfuerzo por sacudir a cualquiera que decidiera seguirlo. No, la razón por la que hizo ambas cosas, y otras cosas más reservadas, fue porque era un Zincista: un acólito del detestado Mister Zinc. Y era con el señor Zinc con quien ahora se comunicaba a través de un transmisor especial que podía volverse invisible y una pantalla de visualización que imitaba de cerca un retrato que colgaba de una pared interior…

“¿Por qué te comunicas conmigo?” Zinc preguntó mientras estaba de pie junto a su novia androide biológica, Blue en un puesto avanzado distante en la cabecera de un paso de montaña que conducía al monasterio de Lemon Stone…

… Un lugar al que había sido desterrado por sus anteriores transgresiones contra el Museo de Tecnología del Futuro.

“¿No ves que estoy ocupado?” El ex megalómano se quejó. “Tengo que supervisar este pase. Si alguien pasa por mi atalaya, el Padre Superior enviará a algunos de sus monjes aquí para patearme el trasero la semana que viene “.

“Buenas noticias, señor.” Gregor habló mientras completaba una reverencia. “He encontrado algunos descontentos que son jóvenes, tontos y maleables. Ya he puesto en marcha un plan que resultará en una catástrofe localizada. Bueno, eso es lo que estoy esperando. Desafortunadamente, estas tres chicas están realmente tontas, así que nada es seguro. Pero si su plan tentativo para hacer que los curadores parezcan ineficaces y descuidados, lo que resultará en su remoción del poder y, por lo tanto, abrirá el camino para su regreso triunfal, es trabajar, estos jóvenes tontos podrían ser el ímpetu que requiere. Ellos podrían, efectivamente, poner en marcha su campaña “.

A lo que Zinc respondió: “Oh, claro”.

Pero Blue, siendo el más activo de los dos desde su destierro conjunto al tedio y el frío abrumadores de la torre de vigilancia, requería detalles, que Gregor debidamente proporcionó.

“Muy bien.” Dijo ella secamente. “Seguir adelante.”

Así que fue un engreído Gregor Arsentickler quien se apartó de la pantalla…

… Que instantáneamente reanudó su falsa apariencia como un afiche de fan de los Earplug Brothers, mientras que el comunicador especial destellaba brevemente antes de camuflarse y volverse completamente invisible a simple vista, cámara digital o detector de infrarrojos.

“Hah”, se dijo a sí mismo, “voy a ser el mejor acólito que mi maestro, el señor Zinc, haya tenido. Seguro que me convertirá en un alto funcionario de su gobierno después de la caída de Cushions Smethwyke y su banda de incompetentes idiotas del silicio “.

Hablando de Cushions Smethwyke y la élite de curadores del museo…

… Cushions, Winston Gloryhole, Montagu y un curador invitado del Museo de la Avena Rancia, un Fluff Buttons, estaban echando un vistazo antes de la cena a su región de realidad en el Escáner Omnipresente. Estaba entrando en calor cuando llegó un mensaje para ellos, cuya esencia era la noticia de que se había realizado un desarrollo muy importante en los esfuerzos del departamento de mantenimiento del museo para acelerar los cambios de exhibición, haciéndolos más eficientes y, por lo tanto, reduciendo los gastos. .

“Esto lo tengo que ver”. Dijo Cushions mientras apagaba el interruptor.

El mismo mensaje se transmitió a los palillos de Charlie Alegre y a Betty del código de barras mientras se esforzaban por regular el flujo de energía del generador Nul-Space…

“Oh, Dios mío”, exclamó un excitado Alegre Charlie. “Una demostración de tecnología más fabulosa: estoy totalmente de acuerdo. Ponga el regulador en piloto automático, o maneje este solo, Betty: no quiero perderme el comienzo “.

Mientras tanto, Daisy, Bunty y Ginger habían logrado encontrar su camino hacia la Extensión Tejida…

… Que, por supuesto, era la única forma de que pudieran llegar a su destino: el Wide Blue Yonder. Aunque a Ginger le dolían los pies y se quedó un poco atrás, ella y las otras dos chicas estaban decididas a aprovechar al máximo la oferta de Gregor Arsentickler de una segunda oportunidad con el Mayor Flaccid.

Ahora no estaba demasiado lejos, estaban seguros, lo que estaba bien, porque en ese momento, en el laboratorio del Departamento de Investigación, Desarrollo y Reducción de Costos…

… los curadores recientemente convocados estaban siendo recibidos por el personal del laboratorio de androides biológicos. Por supuesto, Gregor se había ganado un papel en I + D & R C varios meses antes, y se había vuelto indispensable, asumiendo roles que el personal regular era reacio a hacer y que a veces eran francamente peligrosos…

Aunque Gregor odiaba a Cushions y compañía con cada fibra de su ser, sonrió dulcemente y se quedó en la periferia como el buen ‘ardilla’ que era…

Montagu, como un androide biológico, estaba justificadamente orgulloso de su equipo. Presentó a los tres androides turquesas:

“De izquierda a derecha, Cushions, te presento a Agnes Lovehandles, Steve Jessop y Wonky”.

Luego falló por completo en mencionar el tapón amarillo para los oídos aparentemente ansioso al lado de ellos, lo que solo hizo que la furia interna de Gregor arda un poco más brillante…

© Paul Trevor Nolan 2021

 

Earplug Adventures: Triple Threat (part 3)

With sufficient shots available in the photo library, and a few words scribbled down too, it’s on with the third episode…

Meanwhile, in a nearby sector, a talented engineer, by the name of Gregor Arsentickler, was deporting himself with grace along a narrow maintenance corridor…

He enjoyed many responsibilities, one of which was the repair of recalcitrant Café Puke vending machines. And, by chance, it was the machine in the temporary TWIT office to which he had been summoned…

He went unnoticed by Bunty as she stared mindlessly at the ceiling. He too failed to register her presence. Instead he set straight to work. But, after a while, he couldn’t help but become aware of an annoying noise. It was Daisy and Ginger in conversation…

“Well, I said,” Daisy mouthed-off loudly, “my boyfriend can jump over much bigger puddles than your boyfriend.”

Ginger was intrigued. “What did she say to that?” 

“Nothing.” Daisy replied boastfully, “what could she say: it was true: my boyfriend lives on a houseboat: he’s been jumping from the deck to shore and back again all his life. Sometimes he does it just for fun. I once watched him do it blindfold with one leg tied to the other.”

Then, with an abrupt change of subject, Ginger said: “I never did learn to tie my shoelaces: now I’m told that the government or someone has banned them. All that practice – for nothing. I tell you – I’m getting sick and tired of stuff these days. It’s not like when we were kids.”

“What, like last year, you mean?” Daisy interrupted.

“Yeah,” Ginger grumbled, “and the year before.”

“They go by so quick, don’t they?” Daisy said whilst nodding sagely. “At the rate we’re going at the moment, we’ll be old before we’ve had the chance to grow up!”

Gregor looked across at the TWIT guard, who had clearly been enduring the conversation for some considerable time…

 

He appeared proto-catatonic, and failed to respond to Gregor’s surreptitious wave.

And the Ginger- Daisy combo continued…

“You know,” Daisy said as she threw a glance in the direction of the mentally absent Bunty, “her dad fell off his scooter last week.”

Ginger looked down at the floor and wished that she could ‘zone-out’ like Bunty: she didn’t like tales of pain and anguish. Then she thought that if she failed to respond, Daisy might take the conversation in a nicer direction. She was wrong:

“Yeah,” Daisy continued, “he really grazed his knee. I had to put a plaster on it. But it wouldn’t stick: I had it the wrong way ‘round.”

Then, to Ginger’s relief, Daisy did change the subject:

“What do you think Bunty’s thinking about?” But before Ginger could answer, she said: “Oh look, I’ve got one of them ulcer things on my tongue.”

“I’ve never been a fan of ulcers.” Bunty said, despite the fact that her gaze remained, clamped firmly upon the ceiling. “I’ve heard they curdle the milk.”

“Yeah,” Daisy agreed, “I’m glad I haven’t got any. Milk, that is: not ulcers. I’ve got an ulcer, look. Can you see it, Ginger?”

Gregor was experiencing difficulty concentrating on his repair work. Fortunately the TWIT operative – Nature Beast – chose that moment to enter…

Gregor was more than relieved: and how the TWIT guard felt about the interruption, he could only guess.

Nature Beast didn’t believe in preamble. He didn’t have much time for short words that joined others together either. As was usual for him, he spoke of himself in the third person…

“Nature Beast got results of test.”

Bunty came down from the ceiling. “Are they good?” She inquired.

“Nature Beast can’t read.” Nature Beast replied. “But colleague told me what’s what.”

“Did he tell you that we passed?” Daisy asked hopefully.

Nature Beast took a moment to consider this difficult question. “Hang on.” He replied. “Nature Beast need moment to think.”

Ginger had the distinct feeling that things were not going their way. “This colleague,” she said to Nature Beast, “was he, by any chance, Major Flaccid?”

A dull light went on behind the monster’s eyes. “Yeah.” He bellowed. “Maybe you not some dumb-ass as Major say.”

But that was as good as it got. As he reduced his volume, Nature Beast added…

“Major say – we got enough dumb-asses in TWIT already: don’t need three more.”

Naturally this was not well received. Bunty was particularly annoyed: “But we took a day off doing…ur…stuff and other important things…to come here: why have you wasted our time?”

The words came too quickly for Nature Beast: he took a few moments to assimilate them before replying with: “Major say – dumb-asses waste my time with stupid test: I waste their time back. He say it reciprocal stuff.”

This reply enraged Daisy so much that her eyes crossed. “You’ll rue the day that you crossed the three…ah…the three…um…us

…And remember this, you weird excuse for an earplug: revenge is a dish best served…um…is best served…”

“With olives.” Bunty yelled angrily. “Now kindly open the door and let us depart with a modicum of pride…or ‘proudness’, as my mum calls it.”

Moments later Gregor watched his positive read-outs flash up on the wall screen; but secretly listened as Nature Beast showed his guests the door…

 

An idea was forming in his head, and he didn’t want either Nature Beast, or the reanimated TWIT guard to notice his change in demeanour…

So, as the two TWIT operatives went about their next duty, Gregor Arsentickler tossed aside his itinerary – at least metaphorically – and went in pursuit of the three girls.

He found them commiserating over a cup of ghastly coffee…

“Ladies,” he said as he approached their table, “I believe I can be of some assistance to you.”

He then explained exactly how he knew that they had failed their job interview…

“But I have good news for you.” He added. “All is not lost. If you wish to impress Major Flaccid, be at these co-ordinates upon the Wide Blue Yonder just after the artificial sun goes down.”

He then handed them a hastily-written note.  As he turned from the girl’s excited exclamations and walked away…

…he said: “You never know; this could be your lucky day.”

But he didn’t really mean it: he had motives of the ulterior kind.

© Paul Trevor Nolan 2021

 

Portrait of an Earplug: Uda Spritzer

We asked famous Iceworld scientist, Uda Spritzer, how she started her day on such a cold and forbidding world…

She informed us that she rarely eats anything less than a vast bowl of oatmeal for breakfast every day. But, she recalled with some regret, on a recent visit to Earth, someone suggested she add a handful of sultanas to  the bowl…

She won’t be trying that trick again. She is also considering eggs, bacon and fried tomatoes for breakfast from now on.

Earplug News 24/7: UFO Ditches in Popular Winter Vacation Lake

We bring you the news that other news outlets can’t!

Crowds of pissed-off would-be skaters railed against a trio of aliens who had crashed their UFO into a much-beloved frozen lake and thawed it with their super-heated drive plasma. Local hostillery owners insisted that the aliens remain partially submerged until either the lake refroze or they drowned. Tudor Porks – a local government official – was despatched aboard his sky scooter to reconnoiter and assess the situation, but was too traumatised to look, and flew home immediately for a cup of tea and a slice of lemon drizzle cake with his new boyfriend…

Earplug News 24/7: Midnight Buggy Race Under Threat

The weekly Magnuss Earplug – sponsored Midnight Buggy Race through the streets of the Old Quarter is facing the axe following a display of almost complete disinterest and apathy by the local inhabitants. Apparently they prefer to sit around street corners drinking vile coffee from the Cafe Puke vending machines…

Or visiting the toilet.

Earplug Adventures: Triple Threat (part 1)

Earplug Adventures: Triple Threat

By Tooty Nolan

Prologue

The honeymoon of Magnuss and Hair-Trigger Earplug had been long and arduous; but now, as their honeymoon barge – the Tankerville Norris – swept by the Moon in a quite spectacular manner…

…inside, watching through a convenient viewing port, the happy couple witnessed its passing of Earth’s celestial companion…

“Ah,” Hair-Trigger said with a sigh, “as much as I enjoyed our last adventure, it’s good to be home.”

“I concur entirely,” Her spouse replied, “I can’t wait to show the boys our holiday snaps.”

It would be only minutes before the Tankerville Norris bridged the gap between Luna and Earth, so the only earplugs aboard casually returned to the bridge…

…just in time to watch as their trusty vessel breached the planet’s atmosphere and plunged towards the clouds below…

“You know, Hairy,” Magnuss began…

But he never completed his line: Hair-Trigger spoke the words for him:

“There’s no place like home.”

Then it was time for a fly-through of the towers in the city that lay closest to the Museum of Future Technology – Ciudad de Droxford – where the inhabitants took to the roof tops to wave their collective welcome…

Then, having shown off sufficiently, the ship curved around in a wide parabolic arc – to reveal the museum itself upon the bridge holo-screen…

“Who would have thought,” Magnuss said as he took in the view, “what might have become of the Museum of Future Technology if my brothers and I hadn’t visited it on that fateful morning, so many years ago.”

“Two things, in all probability.” Hair-Trigger replied in an instant. “The museum would have fallen to the first invaders: and I would never have met you.”

Magnuss smiled at this. “Best not go back in time and change anything, then.” He said.

And he continued to smile as the ship approached their destination…

…because he was very much looking forward to the pool party that his brothers had planned for the afternoon of their arrival…

And he especially wanted to try out the new Café Puke drone delivery service. He wondered; did the coffee arrive in a plastic mug – or did the drone squirt the vile brown mess into the customer’s own mug from an internal reservoir?

“Or maybe,” he said aloud, “they squirt it straight into the customer’s mouth.”

Hair-Trigger would have questioned Magnuss’ strange and unexpected line of dialogue, but she didn’t have time: the Tankerville Norris was settling upon a landing tower…

They were back:  the honeymoon was past tense: it was time to get on with married life with the museum’s greatest hero. And, as she unbuckled her seat belt, she couldn’t help but wonder what terrible threat would next test the mettle of the inhabitants of the Museum of Future Technology.

“Something pretty off-the-wall, probably.” She said.

© Paul Trevor Nolan 2021

The Magnum Opus Rolls On

Never one to sit back on his heels and contemplate his scrotum, Tooty Nolan has gone straight to work upon the sequel to The Lines of Tah-Di-Tah. Some shots have already been…ugh…shot: and a few  words written too! So stand by for the first instalment of Triple Threat:  the 43rd volume of the eight-year (so far) story. Here’s a handful of taster-photos… 

Lookin’ good!

Galactic Newsletter: Fascists Found!

Scientists specialising in the search for alternative dimensions have discovered an alternate Earth upon which fascists rule with a chain mail fist. It appears that the authorities have a particular dislike for mariachi bands, the members of which are rounded up and imprisoned in cramped, cold conditions by evil black-hatted government thugs, where they are expected to wear their sombreros twenty-four seven!

Galactic Newsletter: Valentine Earplug Makes Remarkable Reappearence

Following days of mourning, when it was thought that the second-eldest of the Earplug Brothers, Valentine, had perished after entering a single-celled space creature aboard his Punting-Modesty XL5 Facepuncher, the Hero of Earplugdom made a welcome return when he and his craft escaped through the giant creature’s surprisingly small anus…

Earplug News 24/7: Amorphous Blob Loose in Age of Stone Exhibit

An evacuation of the Museum of Future Technology’s ‘Age of Stone’ exhibit was announced earlier today, due to the appearence of a strange alien creature that has been described by those who had seen it, as ‘an amorphus blob’. In the absense of any of the Earplug Brothers, their auntie – Doris – and her betrothed, K’Plank the Space Wanderer, have agreed to attempt mind control of the creature with a special wide-brimmed helmet with aerials poking out of it that K’Plank bought many years ago at a church fete jumble sale…

Earplug News 24/7: Lavatory Shortage Reduced

The on-going problem of a public lavatory shortage in the Museum of Future Technology was partially assuaged by the opening of three new toilets in the Old Quarter. One for females: one for males; and a cunningly-hidden third ‘secret toilet’ for earplugs who are smart enough to find it. Naturally crowds flocked when word got around.

Magnuss & Hair-Trigger Wallpaper: Honeymoon Snap 4: Incarceration

Whilst visiting the planet X-Orbitant Seven (where visitors are fleeced at every opportunity, and beaten up if they complain), Magnuss and Hair-Trigger are imprisoned for thirty days and ordered to break coal into smaller lumps for the Governer’s personal stove. Their crime? Overtly stating that, in their opinion, the coffee in the local Cafe Puke concession was expensive and almost tasted half-way decent, which ran counter to the Cafe Puke ethos. In fact Magnuss could still taste it after being introduced to their cell…

Later, he complained, all he could taste was coal dust.

Earplug News 24/7: Vandalism Rife

Crowds flocked to the lower levels of the Museum of Future Technology when insulting graffiti was discovered by a patrolling RoboSecGua. Chief Curator, Cushions Smethwyke, remarked: “But I don’t smell. Not in the least. I’m entirely aroma-free. But if I did – it would be of lavender and rose petal!”

Earplug News 24/7: Drones to the Corporate Rescue

Stating falling sales in their traditional outlets as the reason why Cafe Puke have adopted a high-tech approach to future operations, the company have begun delivering their infamously vile coffee via drone to their most high-profile customers. An unnamed Cafe Puke representative was heard to mutter: “What next: Magnuss  Earplug calling in for a croissant from the comfort of his palatial lavatory seat? Where will it all end?”

 

 

Earplug News 24/7: Shock For Beach Users

A rocky beach, popular with earplugs, received an unexpected gift this morning. A radio-active turd, rumoured to belong to the Supreme Being, fell from the sky. Within minutes crowds began to form, and lightweight walkways needed to be assembled quickly by local council workers. Those who ventured nearest are now complaining that they are rapidly mutating into raspberries and other carbon-based life-forms.

 

Earplug Life Wallpaper: Religious Icons: Visitations to the Concrete Toadstool

If you’re an earplug with a wonky knee, a weeping sore, the heebee-geebees, cracked nipples, or an annoyingly itchy foreskin, it’s believed that a visit to the Concrete Toadstool will alleviate the aforementioned conditions, and many more besides. Consequently evening pilgrimages are common sights during the warmer months. When its cold and wintry, earplugs just can’t be arsed to go outside, and will probably wait until spring.

Aventuras con tapones para los oídos: Las líneas de Tah-Di-Tah (parte 23)

Cuando eso no funcionó, intentó patear el dispositivo con sus pies calzados con sandalias espaciales. Momentos después, la cápsula se abrió, lo que permitió que los únicos tapones para los oídos animados en la habitación arrastraran el cuerpo fuera de ella…

“No se ve muy bien”. Hair-Trigger opinó.

Magnuss tuvo que estar de acuerdo, especialmente cuando la lengua del tapón para los oídos femenino colgaba…

“Oh, tenía razón la primera vez”. Hair-Trigger dijo con total naturalidad. “Vamos muy tarde; pero solo justo “.

Pero luego, para confundirla y hacerla parecer una mentirosa, el tapón para los oídos se colocó en posición vertical y tosió varias veces…

“Jeepers”, graznó, “¿Qué estoy haciendo aquí? ¿Dónde estoy? ¿Hay un baño cerca?

Luego, cuando sus sentidos regresaron y los recuerdos inundaron su conciencia, corrió hacia el panel de control y comenzó a operarlo febrilmente…

“Tú eres el equipo de rescate”, dijo por encima del hombro, “debo despertar a todos los demás. Necesitaremos construir otra instalación en otro fiordo. Quizás en algún lugar del norte. Me gustan los fiordos. Algunos prefieren los desiertos, pero el aire es demasiado seco para mí: no puedo escupir “.

Ninguno de los recién casados ​​quería interrumpir el tapón para los oídos de otra época: estaba claro que todavía no estaba totalmente compos mentis . Le tomaría tiempo descubrir el equilibrio mental, especialmente si era realmente su conciencia separada lo que Magnuss había sentido antes. Estaba a punto de decir algo como; “Pobre mujer, debe estar tan confundida: probablemente no sepa su culo de su codo”, cuando notó algo inusual en ella.

“Peluda”, susurró, “¿no se parece a Madame Nellie?”

Hair-Trigger cambió de rumbo mental. “Sí.” Ella dijo. “Pero no tiene sentido: no puede ser Madame Nellie. E incluso si tienen algún tipo de proyector de visión que podría haber colocado su imagen dentro de su tienda y choza, no explica cómo la imagen podría haberle dado a esos dos tapones para los oídos locales cien Smackeroos. En cualquier caso, ella estaba en animación suspendida “.

“Pero su conciencia nos reconoció cuando activamos automáticamente la tecnología avanzada cuando entramos en la aldea”. Magnuss argumentó. “¿De qué otra manera podrían haberse transmitido nuestras imágenes en esa enorme pantalla mural?”

Mientras se llevaba a cabo esta desconcertante conversación, el científico del pasado había reanimado con éxito a todos los ocupantes de las cápsulas de hibernación de la habitación. Ahora estaban de pie, luciendo un poco aturdidos, esperando una instrucción…

“En ese momento, equipo”. El tapón para los oídos verde pálido gritó: “Sé que todos se sienten un poco peor por el uso, pero no temas; Han llegado nuestros rescatadores. Mira aquí están “.

Luego se volvió hacia Magnuss y Hair-Trigger. Ella dijo: “¿Quizás le gustaría indicarles dónde ir? Ah, y tal vez podrían presentarse a ellos. Esa sería una buena manera de romper el hielo, por así decirlo. Disculpe el juego de palabras: esto es un centro de animación suspendido y todo eso “.

Esta era la oportunidad que Magnuss había estado esperando desde que tuvo una idea repentina e inspirada. O unos quince segundos, más o menos un segundo.

“Seguramente deberías presentarnos a tu equipo”. Él dijo. “Protocolo y todo”.

Sin cuestionar su ridícula sugerencia, el tapón para los oídos de color verde pálido dijo: “Seguro: Equipo – este es Magnuss y Hair-Trigger Earplug: ellos …” Se detuvo abruptamente. “¿Cómo lo supe? ¿Cómo pude haber sabido eso? “

“Tú eres el psíquico del pueblo”. Un individuo amarillo con ojos blancos saltones habló desde el extremo opuesto de la habitación. “Cuando pasamos a la animación suspendida, nuestros cerebros no dejan de funcionar por completo. Algunos de nosotros soñamos y vivimos vidas que son irreales pero que nos parecen reales. Es solo una teoría que acabo de pensar, pero es posible que en lugar de soñar, hayas estado llevando una vida indirecta. Es decir, es posible que haya utilizado la mente y el cuerpo de otra persona para experimentar una realidad verdadera. Si alguien pudiera, serías tú. Explicaría la situación aparentemente inexplicable en la que se encuentra ahora “.

“Eso es lo que yo también estaba pensando”. Magnuss habló antes que nadie y, por lo tanto, lo confundió. Por cierto, ¿puedo llamarte Nellie? Ese es el nombre con el que te has estado usando durante tu vida como vicario como adivino en el bazar local “.

Una ‘Nellie’ estupefacta asintió con la cabeza. Luego observó y escuchó mientras Magnuss y Hair-Trigger les contaban todo lo que sabían, que incluía el hecho de que habían pasado siglos; el planeta ahora se llamaba Tah-Di-Tah; y que una flota de invasión alienígena estaba a solo unas horas de distancia…

“Entonces”, dijo Hair-Trigger en conclusión, “si puedes poner en marcha tus ‘Líneas’ y hacer que hagan lo que sea que hagan para librarnos de la amenaza de subyugación o exterminio, nosotros – y todos en Tah -Di-Tah – estaría muy agradecido “.

“Lo tienes.” Respondieron al unísono y salieron corriendo de la habitación.

© Paul Trevor Nolan 2021

 

Earplug Adventures: The Lines of Tah-Di-Tah (part 23)

So, as the end nears, you must enjoy  every crumb and morsel of the tale. Pay close attention to the science-fiction cliches that I toss about with abandon: it might make some sense. Read on…

When that didn’t work he tried kicking the device with his space-sandal-shod feet. Moments later the pod popped open, which allowed the only animated earplugs in the room to drag the body from it…

“She doesn’t look very well.” Hair-Trigger opined.

Magnuss had to agree – especially when the female earplug’s tongue lolled…

“Oh, I was right the first time.” Hair-Trigger said matter-of-factly. “We are too late; but only just.”

But then, to confound her and make her appear a liar, the earplug rolled into an upright position and coughed several times…

“Jeepers,” she croaked, “What am I doing here? Where am I? Is there a lavatory nearby?”

Then, as her senses returned and memories flooded back into her consciousness, she dashed to the control panel and began operating it feverishly…

“You’re the rescue team,” she said over her shoulder, “I must awaken everyone else. We’ll need to build another facility in another fiord. Somewhere to the North perhaps. I like fiords. Some prefer deserts – but the air is just too dry for me: I can’t spit.”

Neither newlywed wanted to interrupt the earplug from another era: clearly she wasn’t totally compos mentis quite yet. It would take time for her to discover mental equilibrium, especially if it was really her detached consciousness that Magnuss had sensed earlier. He was about to say something like; “Poor female, she must be so confused: she probably doesn’t know her arse from her elbow”, when he noticed something unusual about her.

“Hairy,” he whispered, “doesn’t she look like Madame Nellie!”

Hair-Trigger shifted mental gears. “Yes.” She said. “But it makes no sense: she can’t be Madame Nellie. And even if they have some kind of vision projector that might have placed her image inside her tent and hovel, it doesn’t explain how the image could have given those two local earplugs one hundred Smackeroos. In any case – she was in suspended animation.”

“But her consciousness recognised us when we automatically activated the advanced tech when we entered the village.” Magnuss argued. “How else could our images have been transmitted on that huge wall screen?”

Whilst this perplexing conversation was taking place, the scientist from the past had successfully reanimated every occupant of the room’s hibernation pods. They now stood, looking slightly dazed, awaiting an instruction…

“Right then, team.” The pale green earplug bellowed, “I know you’re all feeling a bit worse for wear, but fear not; our rescuers have arrived. Look here they are.”

She then turned to Magnuss and Hair-Trigger. She said: “Perhaps you’d like to instruct them where to go? Oh, and maybe you could introduce yourselves to them. That would be a nice way to break the ice, so-to-speak. Excuse the pun – what with this being a suspended animation centre and everything.”

This was the opportunity Magnuss had been waiting for since he’d had a sudden and inspired idea. Or about fifteen seconds, give or take a second.

“Surely you should introduce us to your team.” He said. “Protocol and everything.”

Without questioning his ridiculous suggestion, the pale green earplug said: “Sure: Team – this is Magnuss and Hair-Trigger Earplug: they…” She stopped abruptly. “How did I know that? How could I possibly have known that?”

”You are the village psychic.” A yellow individual with bulging white eyes spoke from the opposite end of the room. “When we go into suspended animation, our brains don’t cease to function entirely. Some of us dream and live lives that are unreal but seem real – to us. It’s only a theory that I’ve just thought up, but it might be possible that instead of dreaming, you could have been leading a vicarious life. That is, you may have used the mind and body of someone else to experience a true reality. If anyone could, it would be you. It would explain the seemingly inexplicable situation you now find yourself in.”

“That’s what I was thinking too.” Magnuss spoke before anyone else did and thereby confuse him. “By the way, may I call you Nellie? That’s the name you’ve been going by during your vicarious life as a fortune teller in the local bazaar.”

A dumbfounded ‘Nellie’ nodded her permission. She then watched and listened as Magnuss and Hair-Trigger told them everything that they knew, which included the fact that centuries had passed; the planet was now named Tah-Di-Tah; and that an alien invasion fleet was mere hours away…

“So,” Hair-Trigger said in conclusion, “if you can get your ‘Lines’ kick-started, and make them do whatever it is they do to rid us of the threat of subjugation or extermination, we – and everyone on Tah-Di-Tah – would be very grateful.”

“You got it.” They replied in unison, and raced from the room.

© Paul Trevor Nolan 2021

 

PPP: Proton Product Placement

When Magnuss and Hair-Trigger want to explore the surface of cold, sub-zero, and thoroughly uninviting alien worlds, they inevitably choose a used Proton 1.5 Iswara in which to do it…

Only two-wheel-drive, but it’ll take you anywhere. Mine did. Brilliant in the snow. Conversely it was a very popular choice for taxi drivers in it’s  more tropical homeland, Malaysia. Pity Proton went broke – the Jumbuck was the prettiest pick-up ever built. I liked my 1.5 – even if the family hated it and didn’t like to be seen in it. After receiving more than it’s fair share of vandalism, the already vile styling looked even worse;  and when we moved into a more affluent area, the family were unamimous: the Proton had to go! Obviously Magnuss and Hair-Trigger bought it from the scrap dealer and carted it off across the Galaxy.

Aventuras con tapones para los oídos: Las líneas de Tah-Di-Tah (parte 21)

Es hora de dispararlos en una aventura de tapones para los oídos. Continuar…

 

Blast, whoosh, fizz, brruuum o cualquier ruido que hagan los multiplicitores gravitónicos en el silencio del espacio exterior. Desafortunadamente para los escoltas de la flota atacante, rápidamente descubrieron que las poderosas ondas gravitónicas destrozaron su nave y dejaron al descubierto sus motores atómicos. Entonces, esta nave en particular hizo lo que haría cualquier nave decente de propulsión atómica que se haya desgarrado…

Explotó muy bien. Pero otros en la vanguardia de la armada reaccionaron rápidamente. En cuestión de segundos, el Tankerville Norris fue atacado…

Cuando los ingenieros de Scroton construyeron el Tankerville Norris , no había sido concebido como un barco de guerra: ¡era una barcaza de luna de miel, por el amor de Dios! En consecuencia, cualquier pantalla defensiva era del tipo Desvío de meteoritos. Los haces de energía dirigidos estaban un poco más allá de sus parámetros de diseño. Pero los Scrotonites, que son los típicos Scrotonites, habían diseñado en exceso casi todo a bordo (con la excepción de la ventana de visión delantera), por lo que el barco recibió el primer golpe bastante bien. Bueno, no explotó ni nada extravagante. De hecho, giró en una auténtica moneda de diez centavos y dejó disparar con el multiplicitador gravitónico en la dirección de su atacante…

El resultado no fue inesperado. Con ondas de gravedad tan intensas y poderosas, incluso un error cercano era lo suficientemente bueno…

Pero el Tankerville Norris era solo un barco contra una horda. Mucho antes de que el emisor pudiera recargarse, los alienígenas habían apuntado a la peligrosa nave…

Por lo general, un golpe indirecto podría haber sido rechazado y enviarse pequeños robots de reparación para tapar los innumerables agujeros con sus nalgas infladas: pero un bombardeo sostenido…

… Era otra cosa completamente distinta. Simplemente no había suficientes robots con nalgas lo suficientemente grandes para hacer el trabajo. Si el Tankerville Norris hubiera sido el tipo de barco que habla consigo mismo durante períodos de mucho estrés, podría haber dicho: “Ooh-er, debo estar de acuerdo con lo que dijo Hair-Trigger sobre la caballería: espero que vengan cargando sobre la colina, pronto, como ahora. ¡Ayudar!”

Bueno, parecía que la realidad no era tan diferente a la fantasía de Tankerville Norris como uno podría imaginar. No muy lejos, es decir, a escala galáctica, el Chuck Winker estaba haciendo un muy buen momento…

El progreso fue rápido. Sentado en el asiento del copiloto junto al Sargento de Estado Mayor Wetpatch Wilton, el Sargento de Estado Mayor Jo Frayzer…

… Dijo: “Recuérdame de nuevo: ¿cómo es que sabemos que estamos en el camino correcto?”

A lo que Wetpatch miró al otro lado para conectar la caballería Jollie Huggup en el dispositivo negro redondo que nadie se había molestado en nombrar, y dijo: “¿Y bien, Jollie?”

Jollie estaba demasiado ocupada estudiando sus lecturas para darse la vuelta y mirar a sus superiores; así que gritó en su lugar: “Seguimos el rastro de iones de Tankerville Norris hasta que se detuvo en un planeta recientemente desintegrado: luego extrapolamos un curso probable para un par de recién casados. Tah-Di-Tah parecía más probable, especialmente porque Nigel tiene una cuenta en el hotel más alto de allí. Luego, más recientemente, los talentos telepáticos de Chuck Winker detectaron ondas de ansiedad derivadas de Scroton desde algún lugar entre nuestro destino previsto y … ah … nosotros … aquí … ahora “.

“Sí”, coincidió Cavalry-plug, Miguel Angel-Grinder, en la pieza opuesta del equipo futurista. “Estamos casi encima de eso. Deberíamos estar allí momentáneamente. Preparándose para salir del hiperespacio, a sus órdenes, Wetpatch “.

Naturalmente, Wetpatch, al ser un tapón de caballería bien entrenado, respondió profesionalmente. “Súbete”, gritó, “¡y salgamos!”

Una fracción de segundo después, Chuck Winker volvió a entrar en el espacio / tiempo regular. Su velocidad era tal que casi rompió el espacio circundante en fragmentos sobrecargados. La galaxia misma pareció convulsionar…  

“Flipping diablos”, estalló Miguel Ángel-Grinder mientras se escondía detrás de las sillas del piloto, “¡mira eso!”

“Yo soy.” Wetpatch respondió. “¿Pero qué estoy mirando?”

Afortunadamente para todos, Miguel había sido reemplazado en la pantalla rectangular por Scroda Hootner de caballería. Ella dijo: “Golpeando una gran explosión, señor. Parece que un barco explotó. Es muy probable que sea el resultado de un estúpido accidente o una batalla espacial “.

“Preferiría lo primero”. Jo respondió.

“Lo más probable es lo último”. Respondió Jollie Huggup. “El Chuck Winker continúa recibiendo ondas de ansiedad derivadas del Scroton; no es el Tankerville Norris en un millón de piezas ahí fuera. Pero está en kaká profundo. Debemos asumir que está siendo atacado y se está defendiendo, espectacularmente, como lo haría cualquier barco de Scrotonite “.

Wetpatch rumió durante un nanosegundo. “Si no vamos demasiado rápido y es probable que nos sobrepasemos, creo que deberíamos unirnos a esta batalla”.

Afortunadamente para el plan del Sargento, el Chuck Winker , aunque sigue produciendo una onda de arco relativista…

… estaba en condiciones de ayudar al Tankerville Norris .

“En ese momento”, dijo Wetpatch mientras se aclaraba la garganta y otra nave alienígena explotó en la distancia, “Supongo que será mejor que vayamos a Alerta Roja”.

El tapón de caballería, Eustace Lipps, miró hacia arriba desde donde estaba jugando con la enorme unidad de aire acondicionado, y dijo: “Creo que lo llaman Crimson Alert a bordo del barco. ¿O estoy siendo demasiado pedante?

“Alerta Crimson es entonces.” Wetpatch gritó…

… “y si alguien puede encontrar algo que se parezca a un arma poderosa, ¡dispara!”

Jo vio un botón pequeño e insignificante en el escritorio de su piloto. Lo empujó experimentalmente…

“Bien hecho, Jo”. Wetpatch aplaudió cuando la nave alienígena más cercana dejó de existir. “¿Alguien puede mejorar eso?”

Inspirado por la ventaja de Jo, Eustace golpeó la bola de su mano contra un interruptor de un minuto similar en el control del aire acondicionado…

De hecho, la caballería había venido cargando sobre la colina.

© Paul Trevor Nolan 2021

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