Philip. K. Dick: The Books I Wish He’d Written

‘Do Constipated Androids Dream of Electric Prunes?’

and

‘The Bat in the High Belfry’.

or

‘The Man With the High Forehead’.

or

‘The Bat With the Huge Penis’.

What books do you wish he’d written? Or do you think his work is arse and wish he hadn’t written the novels that he actually did?

 

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The Time Tamperer (part 20)

At that precise moment, but far, far in the future, the two futuristic Time Techs – Glumb Kimball and Hombolt Whale – were enjoying an examination of an ancient and extremely crappy Anton Twerp piece of art that, somehow, had survived into that era. The two robotic guards watched them closely…

“Don’t touch.” The black guard snapped.

“It’s irreplaceable.” The white guard added.

“But I don’t want to touch it.” Hombolt complained. “I might catch something nasty from the past!”

Of course, what Hombolt didn’t know was that as he spoke, back in the past to which he referred, ‘things‘ weren’t going well for the time-travelling customers of the Museum of Future Technology. In fact ‘things‘ were going very badly indeed…

At first they were nonplussed…

Porceen Pillock was the first to speak: “Okay.” She said. “Does anyone have the first idea what just happened?”

“It’s a flipping force field!” Bunguy Jumpur exclaimed. “Someone explain the significance of it’s sudden appearance and the fact that it seems to encapsulate our entire group.”

“It’s a cage.” Peter Crushing said with a sigh. “We’ve been captured.”

“Flipping heck.” Rosie Stinkpipe responded to this awful news. “I didn’t expect this when paid my entry fee this morning. But who would do such a thing?”

The answer to her question came from an unexpected quarter: outside the impenetrable dome…

“Ah, that would be me.” An ageing red earplug with a white moustache shouted through the force field. “Sorry.”

“How dare you.” Clux tried to bellow; but, being a non-breathing zombie, had to make do with a breathless sigh. “Release us instantaneously – or I’ll drip moldy bodily fluids all over your shiny floor!”

To this the captor responded with a huge raspberry…

“But who are you?” Noodie Bumsho inquired.

“Yeah.” Randy Blueprint growled menacingly. “You look familiar. I’ve seen your stupid face and hideously drooping moustache before. I just can’t place it.”

“Me.” Randy’s jailer replied. “You don’t know me yet; but you will. So far I have only one claim to fame…

…I’m the reason you’re here. I’m Piggies Du Pong: I invented the Tubo Di Tempo.”

© Paul Trevor Nolan 2018

 

The Time Tamperer (part 17)

Whilst Clux, Grimnax and Bunguy fled in terror, at a very specific point in the future…

…the three kitchen staff from Ciudad De Droxford – those being Wilson Bucket, Duncan Propshaft, and Saxon Nibbles – had arrived at the entrance of the Museum of Future Technology, during the late afternoon. The Robot Ticket Collector approached them like a ravenous shark.

“Gentleplugs.” He smarmed horrendously, “Though the hour is late, you are all welcome. We have copious Bed and Breakfast facilities. You can start your tour tonight; and complete it tomorrow – or the next day if necessary. Now what were you hoping to see inside?”

Captain Sinclair Brooch had warned the threesome of the Robot Ticket Collector’s question. As a result they had their answers ready. Since Wilson stood closest, it was he who answered first: “I would most like to see a really busy thoroughfare…

…You don’t get to see many in my line of business.” He explained.

If a Robot Ticket Collector could sound disappointed, Wilson was hearing it for the first time: “Really?” The automaton replied. “A busy thoroughfare?”

Wilson nodded enthusiastically. “With at least five people on it.” He said, in the hope that a more specific request might, more readily, be granted. “Six maybe – at a push.”

The Robot Ticket Collector decided to move on. “What about you, short-house?” It asked Duncan, rather rudely – or so thought Wilson.

Duncan was ready for it:  “Show me a…

…gigantic Orange End Cap mother ship crash upon the Woven Expanse and spill it’s terrified and thoroughly demoralised crew through a multitude of escape ports.”

The fixed smile on the Robot Ticket Collector’s face perfectly reflected the mechanical marvel’s state of mind. “Great.” It said. “We just happen to have a Three-D representation of the End Cap invasion from Hyperspace from a few years back. It features just such an event.”

Saxon was surprised by this revelation; but he didn’t let it put him off: “Yeah, and ya know what I wanna see, tin-plug?”

It was a rhetorical question; but what he didn’t know was that the Robot Ticket Collector could read minds: “Sho’nuf do baby.” It replied before Saxon could deliver the punchline, “You dig the idea of…

…attending a Sewage Workers Union meeting in their basement bunker beneath the museum’s futuristic sewage works. All fine examples of inquiring minds. Well done: you may now enter.”

So they did…

© Paul Trevor Nolan 2018

Creativity, Effort, Time, and a Little Money

An Earplug Adventure doesn’t start with this author’s flashes of literary inspiration: it begins with one (or more) of these…

Being an Earplug Adventure it naturally follows that the aforementioned author must purchase some of these…

Lots actually. Then there’s the time and effort of combining these two facets, which includes the preparation of the latter…

…and the application of the former…

Not forgetting all the models, props, locations and backdrops…

So, having completed all his tasks, the author is now in possession of several hundred photographs: what does he do with them? He story-boards them, that’s what…

…before uploading them to WordPress in the correct order, where they are integrated into the wondrous tale that he has thought up in between times…

From there the episodes are integrated into one multi-megabyte manuscript; and just before the last couple of episodes are posted upon the Internet, the whole darned thing is published as an E-book…

…via Lulu.com.

So far, so good, huh? Well you’d be right: it is good. Very good, in fact. Great fun for this author; and (hopefully) not a complete waste of time for you, the reader. But there is a ‘but’. And the ‘but’ is…oh dear, I’ve seen the following plea discharged by far better authors than I, and I know it wasn’t much fun for them either – none of this comes cheap; not when you add up the time it takes to complete a tale, or the materials required to do it. Naturally I understand that the average Earplug Adventure must appeal to a very small demographic – it is, after all, somewhat off-the-wall – BUT (here it comes) if each of you, who enjoy these very silly stories, were to buy a copy of your favourite book, the resulting remuneration to me, from the publishers, would make the whole effort that little bit easier. There, how mercenary of me was that!. All the books are available on Lulu. Many can be obtained from Kobo, Barnes & Noble, iTunes/iBookstore, Amazon and the rest; so it’s not like they’re hard to find. And, who knows, maybe you could share the book with your friends. Show them what fabulous taste you have. Don’t forget, if you’ve read this, you’re probably an Earplugger already: it would be remiss of you NOT to have at least one Earplug Adventure in your collection. Go on – you know it makes sense!

 

 

The Time Tamperer (part 10)

Meanwhile the Museum of Future Technology’s Artificial Intelligence…

…was spending the hours of daylight…

…reviewing the previous night’s security tapes. And what it saw didn’t alarm it in the least. There was the usual bout of flat-headed youngsters playing ‘Sardines‘…

…as flat-headed youngsters were often wont. There were other similarly cranially-equipped blue earplugs who enjoyed running really fast in pitch blackness and, as a result, often taking a nasty tumble…

“Dolly,” One of them cried out on this particular night, “are you horribly injured? Have you banged your knee or twisted your do-dah?”

The A.I continued to watch as the one named Dolly groaned mournfully. But it relaxed cybernetically as, following the application of boot to the backside, Dolly decided that she wasn’t quite as badly hurt as she chose to suggest and that she didn’t possess a doo-dah that could be twisted…

Flicking to another channel, the A.I night-vision camera captured the vile act of a graffiti artist at work…

And, had it been a living, breathing, being, it would have smiled as a security light illuminated the evil miscreant and made him feel like a complete twonk…

But it was surprised when, having tuned into the secret night-vision camera inside the curator’s domicile, he discovered that Cushions Smethwyke…

…was either a fan of the A.I itself, or…

…she had a ‘thing‘ for the Supreme Being, which, coincidentally, the A.I resembled closely. Either way, it meant that Cushions required further study; the museum simply couldn’t afford to have an unstable earplug in charge.

© Paul Trevor Nolan 2018

 

 

Let’s Go Kobo

Checking out the availability of these, my latest, releases…

…I discovered Indigo, selling Kobo versions. So, if you own a Kobo Reader, you now know where to go. But, I feel certain, Indigo needn’t be your only port of call. If needs be, go explore the Internet.

And don’t forget it’s also at Barnes & Noble. and for your Kindle at Amazon! So get on over there and take a look. Why not give your funny bone a treat!