Mister Nolan is pleased to announce that these e-books…
Were you to visit the Barnes & Noble site, from which you can purchase e-books for your wonderful Nook device, you would discover that these books now appear there…
So what the hell are you waiting for!
By that I mean that this e-book…
…has joined the prequel at Lulu.com. Good, innit? Go visit!
Here’s a tiny taster…
Following a period of near blogging silence, I felt that you, as my loyal readers, deserved another bout of the Hamster-Sapiens giggles. So here is another excerpt from this most wondrous tome…
It had been a shorter tale than anyone had expected. The audience was caught totally unaware as the screen seemed to go out of focus, then turn dark once more.
“Is that it?” Farmer Jacksey exploded, “I was just getting into that. All those references to debauched sex – but none on view. I feel empty inside – like me guts have been torn out!”
But others felt differently. They also felt differently towards Henderson, who was just regaining consciousness. His upbringing must have been difficult. Having a fondant profiteer as a father, and a brother called Legsakimbo who was a ‘chip off the old block’, and who in turn became a fondant pirate, must have made his childhood a living hell.
This opinion was reinforced when Henderson, still a little groggy, confessed, “And I was terribly ill too. I suffer from the worst kind of motion sickness: The sort that makes you really sick. And I mean really sick: Sick for days on end just for riding pillion on foldaway scooter. So sick, in fact, that I actually considered throwing myself from the gondola of my father’s dirigible.”
“What stopped ya?” Farmer Jacksey jeered from where he sat beside his diminutive wife, the former Miss Gultrot.
“I threw up before I could clamber over the rail.” Henderson replied with a complete lack of defensiveness in his tone, “I then slipped in my own vomit, and knocked myself stupid on a cast iron support flange. I was hospitalised for a week. That’s when they revoked my flying licence. But my love of fondant remained, and in between becoming a professor of Pox and Pustules, I opened my own shop on the promenade at Chunderford. When Horatio Horseblanket destroyed that wonderful emporium of nature’s elixir of life he took everything that was precious to me. I now pray that you understand my motivation for wanting to kill him, and request that you turn your backs whilst I conduct the dirty deed.”
Horatio may not have been the sharpest blade in the cutlery drawer, but he could recognise a fabulous argument in favour of murder at a hundred paces.
“But I didn’t destroy your fondant shop,” he yelled as he stood – heedless of the imaginary sniper, “I was on board the Dragon Slayer that day – but I didn’t make the propeller fall off. A board of enquiry exonerated me utterly. It was determined that the fault lay with a boiler-room technician who accidentally whacked it with a broom whilst fighting off an attack of mosquitoes. If you want revenge – then I suggest that you turn your considerable mental ability to finding a means of eradicating the mosquito.”
For a moment utter silence reigned. No one had ever heard a young hamster say so many words without breathing in pure oxygen for at least five minutes previously. They were astounded. But once they’d recovered from the intense feeling of admiration for their local celebrity, good sense made them consider his words.
“Yeah,” Boney was the first to speak. He addressed Henderson Dangerpimple directly, “Why don’t you do exactly what he said – and do us all a favour? I hate mozzies. I s’pect we all do – deep down inside.”
Well the inference was clear to Dangerpimple as the crowd quickly got behind Boney and Horatio. “Death to mozzies! Death to mozzies!” They cried.
“Is it true?” Dangerpimple spoke directly to Horatio for the first time since Colleen Slapper had walked away whilst still wearing her wedding dress, and with her knickers still firmly hitched. “Did they really exonerate you?”
“Scout’s honour.” Horatio smiled with relief, “But if you don’t believe me you can look it up in the town library. There was a full transcript printed in The Bucktooth Times. I’m sure they’ll have a copy of it: It was a big story.”
Henderson Dangerpimple nodded acceptance. “Thank you, Horatio.” He said.
Horatio was puzzled. “For what?”
“For giving new meaning to my life.” Dangerpimple replied, “I realise now that a future in fondant icing isn’t for me: I shall do as you suggest, and turn my considerable intellect to the problem of exterminating an entire species. And as regards your theft of my wife…well I now consider that fair payment. She was really only window dressing anyway: She couldn’t hope to have competed with me in intellectual conversation: I would have tired of her very quickly, I realise that now. But for you she’s perfect. You can both talk endless crap from dawn ‘til dusk. When you finally marry her I hope that you produce a vast number of small Horatios: Hamster-Britain needs more heroes. Good luck.”
© Paul Trevor Nolan
This e-book has been available at pretty much every e-book seller upon the planet. It has not sold in its millions. So, if you would be so kind, how about you visit some of those stockists (mentioned beneath the header of this blog) and make it a huge hit. After all I can’t really call myself a literary genius and Internet sensation without your help can I!
Whilst perusing some older posts of mine, I discovered that THIS one received a measly 3 Likes. Well it’s not good enough! Not good enough, I tell you! No, not good enough at all! Flipping heck, surely a post of such adventurousness and magnitude deserves better. Of course it does. So, if you’d be so kind, would you care to look back at it and reconsider. These guys (and me) would be thrilled…
Ribald and rude. Hopefully funny too. It’s the Hamster-Sapiens e-book series. And here’s an extract from one of the little buggers…
Lionel was still smarting from Colin’s wicked over-ruling of his suggestion that Boney select a male hamster as the next subject, and felt rightly aggrieved at it. So to quickly circumvent a potential repetition of the android’s predilection to insensitivity the young hamster leaned close to Boney’s ear, and bellowed above the din of clamouring rodentia, “Pick a male this time, Boney: Maybe there’ll be a little less sex involved, and we can all enjoy an un-edited history lesson. ”
But before Boney could reply, Lionel noticed that Horatio Horseblanket was making strange eye movements at him. At first he thought that it may have been some sort of affliction that his hero had never bothered to mention in his autobiography – but he quickly dismissed the thought: Horatio was far too ‘warts and all’ honest to exclude something so potentially serious from his magnum opus. Then a thought emerged that momentarily struck fear into his youthful hamster heart: Could it be that Horatio had contracted penile thrush, and was trying to distract his attention from the unbearable itching sensation by making himself go all ‘boss-eyed’? Again Lionel dismissed the thought: Horatio was almost certainly immune from such sufferings: Didn’t his mother keep a permanent incense-burner smouldering in the hearth of their delightful cottage atop Realsteep Hill? And, further, wasn’t the aforementioned incense-burner well-known as a successful counter-agent for everything from evil-spirits – through dormant membranes, flaccid tongue, Bolshevik revolutions – to penile thrush? Yes it was. So there must be some meaning to the orange-faced hero’s optical manipulations.
“’Ere,” Boney interrupted his thoughts, “looks like young ‘Orseblanket’s indicating his would-be nemesis at college – Freddy Ringworm.”
‘Of course’, Lionel felt like slapping himself across the forehead, ‘Horatio intended that they select Freddy Ringworm as their next subject’. Lionel smiled to himself because it was an excellent idea – not so much because it had been suggested by his hero – but because Ringworm clearly didn’t want to be chosen, and was skulking off towards the girl’s lavatory, with a cardboard periscope only partially hidden by his huge mauve blouse.
“Freddy Ringworm!” Sorbresto yelled above the din. “I select Freddy Ringworm!”
He then winked at Lionel, and whispered in the resulting silence, “Psychic – see?”
Well naturally the spotlight caught Freddy in its baleful glare, and soon the laboratory technician found himself reclining awkwardly upon Sorbresto Titt’s sofa.
“Is there anything that you don’t want fondled?” the hamster from an alternative dimension inquired of the loathsome former student.
This question startled Freddy. He hadn’t expected it, and nothing in his former experience had prepared him for it. “Whadda ya mean?” he shrieked in a most female hamsterly manner.
“I have to caress your epidermis.” Sorbresto explained – both for Freddy’s benefit, and anyone else who was to follow later. “I have to make physical connection with you in order to access your genetic memory. Strictly speaking a sample of your blood, or perhaps other bodily fluids would suffice – but that could get nasty – and I don’t do nasty.”
“My personal protuberance.” Freddy shrieked so loudly that it set off a burglar alarm in a neighbouring gentlehamster’s outfitters. “Don’t touch my willy. No one has ever touched my willy – and no one ever will!”
At this Doctor Growbag looked up from charming Flotti Pañuelo in one of the double seats at the rear of the auditorium. “I’ll vouch for that.” He shouted, “He wouldn’t let me anywhere near it during a physical examination for the college poo-jumping team at Saint Dunces. When I said ‘cough’ I had to measure the physical response by the displacement of nearby air. His dad was the same. No one ever went near his personal protuberance either. Well that’s what they say: But it’s not like I have incontrovertible evidence or anything…”
Growbag, realizing that he had inadvertently breached doctor/patient confidentiality, then closed his mouth, skipped silently to another location in the shadows, and exclaimed in a very loud voice indeed, “I say – who was that impersonating me? Is someone trying to get me into trouble with the Medical Board?”
But by then everyone had lost interest because the psychic historian had found just the right spot on Freddy’s body, and now images were forming upon the huge monitor…
© Paul Trevor Nolan 2013
Naturally, if you happen to be conversant with my hamster tales, you will have recognised that extract from…
Available as an e-book all over the place. Check out the links to some of the major suppliers beneath the header and on the sidebar. You won’t be (terribly) disappointed.
Visit LULU.COM and treat yourself to…
…a unique experience: an Earplug Adventure!