Look, Stupid, Your Battery is Flat

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Earplug Adventures Wallpaper 40: Regarding a Crashed Time Ship

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Earplug Adventures Wallpaper 39: Caught in the Spotlight

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Junior Earplug Adventures: The Missing (Part 34)

Even as he said the words, Magnuss regretted them. After such a wondrous success, anything that the Avatar could offer him would be an anti-climax that bordered upon an insult. Unless, of course, it was a way home: but he knew that particular party trick was far beyond the Avatar’s abilities – even with the resources of the museum at her disposal. But when the presentation actually occurred, it was worse than Magnuss could have imagined. Far worse…

“We call the darned thing The Stupid Hat of Eternal Gratitude.” The Avatar explained as Magnuss closed his eyes with disbelief that he had allowed himself to be seen in public wearing, what was probably, the stupidest hat in all of space and time.

“I can’t say that I’m really feeling the gratitude.” He whispered as a spotlight snared him…

Of course the Avatar tried to laugh it off; but even her stunningly beautiful face couldn’t mask entirely the falseness of it. “Ah’s sorry boy, but we mean well.” She said. “In this pesky reality a thin line separates y’all being honoured deeply – and a guy looking like a total dork. Would ya care to turn around and accept ya plaudits?”

“Do I have to?” A hesitant Magnuss replied. “Couldn’t I just give them a cheery wave and make a panic-stricken dash for the exit?”

This time the Avatar laughed for real. “Magnuss, ya gotta know there sure is more to being a hero than doing brave stuff and savin’ civilisation over ‘n’ over again – know what ah’s tryin to say? Sometimes ya gotta be real strong an’ have ya picture took with a real dumb-ass hat sittin’ on ya head.”

Of course, since he truly was a hero, Magnuss understood implicitly. So without further prompting from the Avatar, Magnuss turned to face the crowd…

…and received a standing ovation.

Others, though, were less fortunate. In an attempt to elude capture, Colonel Flutter and his aides had fled to the nearby mountains…

“How long must we hide here?” The blue-eyed aide inquired.

Flutter didn’t want to answer: but he did anyway: “Don’t know. For as long as it takes for those stupid earplugs to forget us, I suppose.”

An hour later the red-eyed aide made the same inquiry…

But he asked it with a very muffled voice.

This time Flutter’s reticence ruled…

But even if he’d wanted to, he couldn’t: his teeth had frozen together. Shortly after that…

…the aides stopped asking. Though one of them did manage to mumble: “I wish I was a prisoner of war. Prisoners of war get a roof over their head and an uncomfortable bed to lay on. Flutter, you’re a twonk. I hate you.”

© Paul Trevor Nolan 2017

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Earplug Adventures Wallpaper 38: Walls Have Eyes

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Heavy Duty Creativity

If I’m creative at all, it is in a vaguely cerebral way – that being my writing, my photography, and (of course) the combination of both in the form of the Earplug Adventures. But did you know that I can turn my hand to heavier duty stuff? Big chunky stuff? Stuff that can result in cuts and splinters? I shall explain:

In my professional life I have two desks. One is an office desk…

The other is my shop floor desk…

Not quite so nice, I think you’ll agree. But it does boast a fridge and a coffee machine, so it’s not all bad. But what it doesn’t have, is something that a six-footer like me requires for day-to-day operation: height. There are times when I need to stand up to do my daytime job, and neither of these desks cut the mustard, so to speak.What was needed was a tall desk with a small footprint. Cue creativity. Like my stories I don’t plan a course of action: I just get on with it. In this case I helped myself to this lot…

…which surprised those who watched the resulting whirlwind  of sawing, nailing, and screwing. A short while later I had created the first of (what were to become) Tooty’s Tables. I call it El Basico…

El Basico impressed one colleague so much that he took photos to show his wife, who had asked him to build some garden furniture for her. Well you know me: I couldn’t leave it at that. Soon the Deluxe model followed…

The Deluxe model included a pleasant rustic windshield – to stop paperwork blowing away. But even this higher spec model wasn’t quite what I was looking for. What I really required was the Executive Model Tooty Table – with a documentation tray. So I made one…

So what do I do on said Tooty Table? I take pictures of course. Sometimes I take pictures of pieces of wood. Pieces of wood that look like…

…bears with toothache. I mean, what else would I use it for? Surely nothing so prosaic as work? No, surely not.

 

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Junior Earplug Adventures: The Missing (Part 33)

It took a while for the curators to readjust to their new-found freedom; but by three-thirty that afternoon Cushions and Co had organised a celebration in the Great Hall…

Not everyone could attend, obviously. Many of them still felt the disgust of being crammed into Level Indigo together like oily canned mackerel, with only one small shared toilet for all of them, and so decided to shower repeatedly until they felt clean again. Others just couldn’t be bothered. Some wanted their mid-afternoon lemon drizzle cake fix. And two of them had openly welcomed an End Cap invasion, if only to break the monotony of living in a museum that featured exciting and potentially dangerous artefacts from across all of time – well the future anyway. But still a heck of a lot of them turned up. These included a bunch of nobodies, some curators, the museum Avatar, Auntie Doris, and the Angel with a Huge Nose…

Even Benjamin’s reality version of the Earplug Brothers arrived…

…complete with their Sunday Best Cossack hats. Naturally they felt obliged to stand in an area especially reserved for them…

Then the showgirls were introduced…

Naturally they were expected to form a kicking line, and duly obliged…

..though many were disappointed that they’d been forced to leave their sparkly sequined knickers on a radiator to dry after some wag had dropped them all into a lavatory bowl – ‘for laugh’, as he’d confessed when apprehended by Police Constable Salisbury Wilts…

…shortly after committing the crime. Still, being treated to a flash of the girls emergency big baggy bloomers was almost as much fun. Then the Avatar called upon Magnuss himself…

“Magnuss,” she said, “ya done good boy.” This surprised Magnuss because the Avatar in his reality spoke so much more eloquently: but he smiled anyway. “We been done got ya somethin’ real special.” The Avatar continued. “We only give it to real good guys – know what I mean?”

Naturally Magnuss understood, despite the Avatar’s terrible diction. “That’s nice.” He said. “What is it?”

© Paul Trevor Nolan 2017

 

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