Free Stuff is Good Stuff

Apple iBooks have finally listed the latest Junior Earplug Adventure e-books for Apple devices. That list also includes the free version of this…

So, if you’re an Apple user…WHAT ARE  YOU WAITING FOR?

P.S  You can see all my charming comedy e-books at iBooks right HERE

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Junior Earplug Adventures: The Masters of Scroton (Part Six)

Throgennis was pleased that his cousin was enjoying herself; but he wondered if she would be quite so keen to go precipitous ledge walking…

Game for anything, Cuckoo gave it a try, but before long she was showing signs of altitude nausea…

Reacting quickly, Throgennis rushed Cuckoo out on to the vast Wide Blue Yonder, which (he’d read) lay at sea level and was certain to quiet her recalcitrant bile duct…

He was to regret this impetuous move…

…because not only did his cousin have a tendency to mild agoraphobia, but she also hated the colour blue. So…

…she refused to speak to him until he rectified the ‘ghastly situation’. In fact her expression and manic stare proved that she was so inwardly frightened and angry that she feared that if she were to open her mouth to speak, before a word was uttered, she would probably attempt to devour Throgennis’ head. Or possibly his leg. Throgennis, for his part, recalled that his cousin was often bad tempered as a child, and realised that although she’d grown up, her basic temperament hadn’t changed much, and he prayed that she’d forgotten the bag of gobstoppers he’d stolen all those years ago.

Meanwhile, far away across the void of interstellar space, Edni, Sponson, and Saskia had made progress. It seemed to their simple desert-dweller minds that not only had they stumbled upon some kind of control, maintenance, or security suite. More importantly it appeared to be occupied by alien personnel who rushed hither and thither, doing indecipherable ‘stuff’…

Now they had to make the biggest decision in their lives: should they introduce themselves? Or should they flee? Their hunger and thirst favoured the first answer. Their natural xenophobia the latter. But before a consensus could be found…

 

…the facility went to the universally accepted security alert condition of red. And every alien eye turned to regard the interlopers. Well most of them anyway.

© Paul Trevor Nolan 2017

 

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Junior Earplug Adventures: The Masters of Scroton (Part Five)

Whilst Cuckoo made her momentous way to the Museum, far away across the galaxy, Saskia Mudhatch was attempting to gain entry to the mysterious non-cable end technology lavatory pods…

“Ah,” she said as a solenoid clicked somewhere unseen, “I think I’ve done it. Here you go, Sponson: get stuck in.”

“We’ll go over there – in the distance.” Emerald-eyed Edni said in a calming voice. “And we’ll make sure that we look the other way.”

“And speak very loudly of inconsequential things to drown out the noise.” The dark-eyed Saskia added. “And squeeze our nostrils shut too, of course.”

So it was a much relieved Sponson who finally took advantage of the advanced facilities inside the impossibly ancient subterranean edifice…

…though he did feel a little foolish, especially with his head poking up through a hole in the roof and all that sort of stuff.

Shortly afterwards they continued their investigation, and what they saw confused the heck out of them…

But their resultant sense of  unease couldn’t compare with that of Cuckoo Slazenger, as she dared finally step inside the hallowed walls of the Museum of Future Technology…

So she was mightily relieved when Throgennis arrived in the foyer and took her on a whistle-stop tour of his favourite spots in the museum…

To ease Cuckoo into the vastness of the museum comfortably, Throgennis first took his cousin to the Future Alps exhibit, which represented that mighty mountain range in the distant future when wind, rain, and the passage of time had worn the peaks almost flat. It was here that they discovered Chester Earplug and Cuckoo’s heroine, Auntie Doris, gliding above the smooth surface at break-neck speed upon stunt hover pads… 

“Last one to the café that specialises in truly horrible coffee is rotten egg.” Doris cried gleefully.

Chester didn’t respond: he was concentrating intently upon matching his aunt’s spectacular aerial maneuvers.

As Throgennis and Cuckoo finally departed the exhibit…

…the bright red female couldn’t help wondering what fun it might be to ride along the museum’s endless corridors upon a hover pad in pursuit of her favourite cheerful white-haired yellow earplug.

Unaware of his cousin’s secret thoughts, Throgennis then decided to drop a level…

“Oh goody.” Cuckoo squealed. ” A down ramp. I love down ramps. I like the way that gravity pulls me downwards when I run excitedly down them. If I found an infinite down ramp I would run down it until the end of time, and pray that my kicker elastic didn’t become brittle; snap; ultimately allowing the aforementioned knickers to fall around my ankles and send me sprawling.”

But, of course, they didn’t run down the down ramp…

   

They strolled side by side. Then, when they reached the next level…

…Cuckoo rushed forwards to embrace the grubby darkness of a deserted area of the museum.

© Paul Trevor Nolan 2017

 

 

 

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Junior Earplug Adventures: The Masters of Scroton (Part Four)

Meanwhile, back on Earth, a female earplug, whose was known to all and sundry as Cuckoo Slazenger, had just been fired from her job, and now stood and wondered what the heck she was going to do with the rest of her life…

Her smile was grim as she stared into space, her brain in ‘idle’. Discarded by her employers and cast into an unexpected situation Cuckoo was at a loss. Life had not prepared her for this. She had to confess to herself that she was not coping well.

“Damn and blast!” She roared angrily…

…at an indifferent and uncaring sky. “I’ve only been out of work for five minutes, and already I’m bored witless and without a clue! What I need is inspiration.”

It was at this precise moment that she heard a message on her answer phone:

“Hello,” a voice that had recently grown familiar to the inhabitants of the Museum of Future Technology spoke from the small, rather tinny grille, “how ya doing, Cuckoo? This is your cousin, Throgennis. That’s Throgennis Frote, by the way, just in case you’d forgotten me.”

Cuckoo was stunned…

…she hadn’t heard from her cousin since he’d stolen a packet of gobstoppers from the back of her huge green gym knickers when they were in junior school together. But she didn’t have the luxury of time to remain stunned: Throggenis’ message continued:

“I’ve just rented a cafeteria in the Museum of Future Technology. Its been completely gutted, and I’d like you to come design and fit the place out. You are an interior designer still, I take it? Well then afterwards, if you want to, you can stay on as a waitress. I’ve turned over a new leaf, so to speak: I’m going straight now. I’m earning a proper living. No more cheating and lying and stuff. I’ve even paid the first six month’s rent out of the reward I got for helping to save all of earplugkind at the Galactic Court. How say thee? If you could get back to me with utmost alacrity, Cuckoo, I would be most grateful.”

Cuckoo didn’t quite know how to react…

She was a little concerned about visiting the Museum of Future Technology. She’d heard all sorts of terrifying stories. She wondered if females could thrive there. Then she recalled reading an article about Auntie Doris…

  

…and how she had prospered with a business that converted amber goo into highly radioactive amber shards, which were then used to power the museum’s defence fighter squadron – which brought her back to her original concerns: why would a museum need a squadron of defence fighters? But in turn this thought was occluded by another:

Throggennis is so handsome – and a hero too. If I’m seen walking out with him, people might think I’m his girlfriend. People will be just soooo jealous. My boss will probably ask me back too.

So, without further ado, she made for the front door of her apartment… 

Next stop: the Museum of Future Technology!

© Paul Trevor Nolan 2017

 

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Junior Earplug Adventures: The Masters of Scroton (Part Three)

Of course what Edni, Sponson, and Saskia had discovered was evidence of construction work that had been completed during an era prior to their kind being blessed with sentience and self-awareness, by a race of beings who were equally mysterious and beneficial to creatures such as Ethernet Cable Ends. Quite how the threesome were aware of the construction’s antiquity puzzled them. It was, as Edni was to put it later; “Like someone wrote it into our DNA. We just knew that it wasn’t the work of cable ends.”

So before long…

…they dared explore their new environment.

“Not sure about these low ceilings.” Saskia stated doubtfully.

“Yeah.” Sponson agreed. “Whomever built this place must have been a right short-arsed git.”

As they progressed through the silent subterranean world, their willingness to converse evaporated. Until…

…they found themselves looking down upon some kind of vast edifice of unknown design.

“I don’t like it.” Edni said nervously. “It has no right to be here.”

Saskia liked it even less. “Maybe it’s us who shouldn’t be here. Just look at it: all those evil pink lights: it’s so un-cable end-like”

So two of them did.

“I wonder if it has a working lavatory.” Sponson mused. “I’ve recently developed a gurgling sensation in my bowel.”

Suddenly a sense of urgency gripped Saskia and Edni. They’d been in Sponson’s company long enough to know that a gurgling sensation could quickly develop into a great outgassing of monstrous proportions.

“It’s bound to be just inside the front door.” A frightened Edni squeaked in a voice at least two octaves higher than usual. “Let’s go – really fast – like it’s a sporting event that we must either win or die horribly!”

So a few seconds later, after having traversed the downward slope in a world record time, the three lost desert-dwellers raced into the strange edifice’s foyer…

Of course Edni had been one hundred percent correct in her appraisal of the building’s architecture. But unfortunately the lavatory design presented a problem…

“I can’t ‘go’ in these.” Sponson complained. “They’re see-through. Everyone will see me!”

Paul Trevor Nolan 2017

 

 

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Wallpaper 353: The Curse of Northern Latitudes

No, not garden furniture: rust! Well actually garden furniture is kind of crummy too.

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Junior Earplug Adventures: The Masters of Scroton (Part Two)

Chronologically almost an Earth week had passed since Nigel had made his statement to Magnuss, and during this time Throgennis Frote…

– he who had represented all of Earplugkind at the Galactic Court – had been returned to the Museum of Future Technology – a changed earplug. Full of remorse for having defrauded his uncle – Mister Stovepipe-Hat – out of his hover pad rental emporium, he spent that Earth week putting things to rights. So, whilst the engineers of Scroton laboured upon the construction of a locally made flying saucer, Throgennis invited his uncle to join him outside a recently leased retail outlet. Distrustful of his vile nephew, Mister Stovepipe-Hat brought along Police Constable Salisbury Wilts as a witness and potential strong-arm…

Throgennis was concerned when he discovered that his uncle had fallen upon hard times, and had been forced to sell his famous hat in order to purchase a loaf of bread, a two hundred and fifty gramme pat of butter, a small jar of marmalade, and a wi-fi sound bar for his fifty-five inch 3D television. But he wasn’t particularly surprised, and within nanoseconds he’d whipped out a replacement hat from his picnic hamper and placed it upon Mister Stovepipe-Hat’s head…

…which didn’t impress the former hover pad rental expert in the least, and left P C Salisbury Wilts grimacing as badly as ever. But this reaction didn’t phase Throgennis one bit. No; he hadn’t invited his uncle to a new retail outlet merely to give him a hat: so he clapped his hands twice, and in the space of a few heartbeats a crew of hired hands delivered…

…a whole bunch of the latest hover bowls – in multifarious hues and all based upon the design perfected by Professor Hydious Gout. Naturally Mister Stovepipe-Hat was thrilled. So thrilled, in fact, that he cast aside his sunglasses for the first time since he’d attained adulthood and smiled broadly. And the police constable was quite pleased too. In fact he was so pleased that he used his police radio to summon the Museum’s TV reporter, Rupert Piles, to record the occasion for public broadcast on the six o’clock news…

And Throgennis was happy to avoid hogging the limelight by inviting his hired hands to share his uncle’s moment of joy as he realised that not only did he have his business back, but now he had some decent kit to hire out…

Meanwhile, upon distant Scroton…

…the three missing desert-dwellers, Edni Gilbatross, Sponson Croupe, and Saskia Mudhatch…

…continued to wander the bowels of the planet. Then, whilst in a state of dehydration and increasing boredom, Saskia noticed a hole on the rock face.

“Cripes,” she cried out in a dull voice, “something vaguely interesting. Let’s check it out.”

So, moments after squeezing through the hole, the threesome found themselves in…

“Holy cow.” Edni erupted. “This cavern is clearly artificial! And it’s clearly older than our civilisation too. How can this be?”

© Paul Trevor Nolan 2017

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