Category Archives: Wallpapers

Nature Wallpaper: Why We Should Record the Images of the Natural World Around Us

In February of 2015 I took this photo of a rookery in my street…

For the next seven years I watched (unconsciously. I might add) as the trees grew taller and wider, and the rookery expanded – to become the birthplace and nightly roost of hundreds of huge black birds. Then, a few days ago, several light trucks and a huge crane rumbled into town. Hours later the mighty rookery was reduced to this…

and this…

We’re very good at destroying natural habitat. We keep saying “Oh, this must stop.” But in the past couple of years I’ve seen so many mature trees felled – and not all of them diseased Ash – that I wonder if there isn’t some sort of conspiracy at large. For every tree planted by well-meaning people, how many established habitats are pulled down by those who couldn’t care less about the future of this planet or who just want to make a fast buck? Way too many, I fear. After all, with so much arable land in the UK being turned over to house building at an alarming rate, more land for growing crops or keeping animals has to be found somewhere, doesn’t it? There’s no profit for anyone in ancient woodland. And who gives a shit about Badgers and Willow Warblers anyway! So I think it’s best that we record what we have, while we still have it. It won’t last. Then we can hold these pictures up and say “That’s what we rid ourselves of: how has that made this a better world?”

Behind the Scenes of Triple Threat

Whilst lighting engineers, Locust Trollop, Bloater McCallister, and Gerard Anus light Stage Five, the four central characters of Triple Threat – Bunty Bridgewater, Daisy Woodnut, Tong-Tong actor Pants Dimly, and Ginger Slack visit the Tankerville Norris Bridge set…

“It’s so big.” Bunty squealed with delight as the set was revealed to her for the first time. “I really like big ones. I think, secretly, everyone does.”

Daisy was more surprised by Stage Five’s actual existence: “There was I – thinking it was all green screen work these days. It’ll be so much easier to act on a proper set. It’ll bring out the thespian in me.”

Ginger was more pragmatic: “I noticed a toilet as we came in. That’s good. Every set should have a toilet. Preferably a Ladies  and a Gents.”

“Talking of toilets – and I don’t care which – unisex is fine,” Pants Dimly was heard to groan from inside the robot suit, “I’m really dieing for a poop: can someone unlatch my escape  hatch for me? I’ve dropped the key, and it’s dark in here!”

Gnashed Teeth: Another Digital Camera Sets Sail for Cyber Heaven

Off on one of my walking jaunts, recently, I chose three cameras at random. My best one – that being a x50 zoom Sony:  a trusty Kodak compact that I’ve had for yonks: and a very shiny Fujifilm I seldom use that I thought deserved a trip out of its box. The voyage of disaster began badly: the Kodak failed to fire up. Reason: the battery retaining clip had broken, thus breaking electrical contact. Arse – but not insurmountable. The Fuji proved more amenable. For example, it took this pleasant photo of some seed heads…

It went on to produce three more equally pleasant photos – before something made a silent click inside the works and it went doolally. Suddenly, for no obvious reason the video capture only worked on audio; and the still shots all contained interference. It had me looking somewhat like this…

Why doesn’t electronic stuff work properly after you pack it away for a while? You’d think it would be grateful for the rest!

Galactic Newsletter: The Planet Scroton Imperilled

When the Gravity Whelk reported the sighting of a dangerous-looking object that appeared to be on a collision course with Scroton, the Supreme Commander of the Scrotonic Armed Forces – Walker Crabtrouser – demanded an immediate military response…

The order went out: “Attack the Giant Space Penis!”



Earplug News 24/7: Under Neptune’s Gaze

Despite the God of the Sea, Neptune’s disapproving stare; the deafening roar of a passing space submarine freighter; and an erupting volcano on the horizon, Iceworld scientist, Uda Spritzer took her paddle board to the aid of two drowning morons who forgot to tether their houseboat properly and were attempting to swim to shore in search of a public lavatory…

She was commended for her bravery by the local coastguard, but then cuffed around both ears and poked in the eye for contravening Health and Safety rules by failing to wear a life preserver vest or a lanyard to her paddle board. In response, spinster, Ms Spritzer was reported to have said: “Sod this: next time I’ll let the bastards drown.”


Galactic Newsletter: Chilly Willy Discovered

Whilst exploring an uncharted and utterly frozen world, crew-members of the K T Woo have discovered an ancient space rocket entombed in ice! Former protégé of Magnuss Earplug – Yabu Suchs – who commanded the team and drove the lead hover chariot remarked:

“A quite remarkable phallic symbol. Possibly the most significant I have ever seen.  It’s very big. Very, very long – and perfectly straight too. I say, would you mind switching off your microphone: I’m feeling vaguely inadequate.”

Earplug News 24/7: UFO Ditches in Popular Winter Vacation Lake

We bring you the news that other news outlets can’t!

Crowds of pissed-off would-be skaters railed against a trio of aliens who had crashed their UFO into a much-beloved frozen lake and thawed it with their super-heated drive plasma. Local hostillery owners insisted that the aliens remain partially submerged until either the lake refroze or they drowned. Tudor Porks – a local government official – was despatched aboard his sky scooter to reconnoiter and assess the situation, but was too traumatised to look, and flew home immediately for a cup of tea and a slice of lemon drizzle cake with his new boyfriend…

Galactic Newsletter: Winker Worried

The United Stoats Seventh Cavalry’s sole starship, the Chuck Winker, was chased through a hyperspace conduit by a vast alien vessel of unknown origin recently . Fortunately the crew of the ‘Winker’ were able to make their escape by ejecting the contents of their latrine, which obscured the alien’s windshield long enough for them to return their vessel into normal space/time unnoticed. Nominal captain – Staff Sergeant Wetpatch Wilton was reported to have said: “I lived up to my name there, I can tell you: that really shit me up good and proper!”

Earplug News 24/7: Midnight Buggy Race Under Threat

The weekly Magnuss Earplug – sponsored Midnight Buggy Race through the streets of the Old Quarter is facing the axe following a display of almost complete disinterest and apathy by the local inhabitants. Apparently they prefer to sit around street corners drinking vile coffee from the Cafe Puke vending machines…

Or visiting the toilet.

Galactic Newsletter: Fascists Found!

Scientists specialising in the search for alternative dimensions have discovered an alternate Earth upon which fascists rule with a chain mail fist. It appears that the authorities have a particular dislike for mariachi bands, the members of which are rounded up and imprisoned in cramped, cold conditions by evil black-hatted government thugs, where they are expected to wear their sombreros twenty-four seven!

Galactic Newsletter: Valentine Earplug Makes Remarkable Reappearence

Following days of mourning, when it was thought that the second-eldest of the Earplug Brothers, Valentine, had perished after entering a single-celled space creature aboard his Punting-Modesty XL5 Facepuncher, the Hero of Earplugdom made a welcome return when he and his craft escaped through the giant creature’s surprisingly small anus…

Earplug News 24/7: Lavatory Shortage Reduced

The on-going problem of a public lavatory shortage in the Museum of Future Technology was partially assuaged by the opening of three new toilets in the Old Quarter. One for females: one for males; and a cunningly-hidden third ‘secret toilet’ for earplugs who are smart enough to find it. Naturally crowds flocked when word got around.

Photography: What a Difference a Day Makes

It was November: the weather forecast wasn’t hopeful: but I was keen to get some snapping done while the sun shone. So I took a chance and put on my hiking shoes. Here is one of the pictures I took…

As it transpired, the weather forecast was premature: the bad weather arrived 24 hours later. Had I taken notice of it, and stayed at home, this is what I would have captured the following day…

Photography: it isn’t all about timing, but timing plays a major role in finding that neat shot. Grab that camera while you can!

Magnuss & Hair-Trigger Wallpaper: Honeymoon Snap 4: Incarceration

Whilst visiting the planet X-Orbitant Seven (where visitors are fleeced at every opportunity, and beaten up if they complain), Magnuss and Hair-Trigger are imprisoned for thirty days and ordered to break coal into smaller lumps for the Governer’s personal stove. Their crime? Overtly stating that, in their opinion, the coffee in the local Cafe Puke concession was expensive and almost tasted half-way decent, which ran counter to the Cafe Puke ethos. In fact Magnuss could still taste it after being introduced to their cell…

Later, he complained, all he could taste was coal dust.

Earplug News 24/7: Vandalism Rife

Crowds flocked to the lower levels of the Museum of Future Technology when insulting graffiti was discovered by a patrolling RoboSecGua. Chief Curator, Cushions Smethwyke, remarked: “But I don’t smell. Not in the least. I’m entirely aroma-free. But if I did – it would be of lavender and rose petal!”

Earplug News 24/7: Drones to the Corporate Rescue

Stating falling sales in their traditional outlets as the reason why Cafe Puke have adopted a high-tech approach to future operations, the company have begun delivering their infamously vile coffee via drone to their most high-profile customers. An unnamed Cafe Puke representative was heard to mutter: “What next: Magnuss  Earplug calling in for a croissant from the comfort of his palatial lavatory seat? Where will it all end?”



Galactic Newsletter: Earth Becomes a Battleground

Consternation abounded, and the security forces of the Museum of Future Technology were alerted, when two warring alien species dipped into the atmosphere of Earth to fight their final battle.  Fortunately for all concerned, the silver ships were out of ammunition, and the red ship’s gunners were all trainees who couldn’t shoot straight…

Rather Nice Wallpapers

It’s a shame that so few of my ‘wallpapers’ are downloaded by my readers: they really are quite nice. Look, this is how a couple of them appear on my laptop…

So, if this sort of thing floats your boat, so-to-speak, simply visit any of my ‘wallpaper’ posts; click on the picture; and download it.

Here’s the Gravity Whelk at full throttle picture (above). It’s titled ‘Hot Exhaust’…