Following a period of near blogging silence, I felt that you, as my loyal readers, deserved another bout of the Hamster-Sapiens giggles. So here is another excerpt from this most wondrous tome…
It had been a shorter tale than anyone had expected. The audience was caught totally unaware as the screen seemed to go out of focus, then turn dark once more.
“Is that it?” Farmer Jacksey exploded, “I was just getting into that. All those references to debauched sex – but none on view. I feel empty inside – like me guts have been torn out!”
But others felt differently. They also felt differently towards Henderson, who was just regaining consciousness. His upbringing must have been difficult. Having a fondant profiteer as a father, and a brother called Legsakimbo who was a ‘chip off the old block’, and who in turn became a fondant pirate, must have made his childhood a living hell.
This opinion was reinforced when Henderson, still a little groggy, confessed, “And I was terribly ill too. I suffer from the worst kind of motion sickness: The sort that makes you really sick. And I mean really sick: Sick for days on end just for riding pillion on foldaway scooter. So sick, in fact, that I actually considered throwing myself from the gondola of my father’s dirigible.”
“What stopped ya?” Farmer Jacksey jeered from where he sat beside his diminutive wife, the former Miss Gultrot.
“I threw up before I could clamber over the rail.” Henderson replied with a complete lack of defensiveness in his tone, “I then slipped in my own vomit, and knocked myself stupid on a cast iron support flange. I was hospitalised for a week. That’s when they revoked my flying licence. But my love of fondant remained, and in between becoming a professor of Pox and Pustules, I opened my own shop on the promenade at Chunderford. When Horatio Horseblanket destroyed that wonderful emporium of nature’s elixir of life he took everything that was precious to me. I now pray that you understand my motivation for wanting to kill him, and request that you turn your backs whilst I conduct the dirty deed.”
Horatio may not have been the sharpest blade in the cutlery drawer, but he could recognise a fabulous argument in favour of murder at a hundred paces.
“But I didn’t destroy your fondant shop,” he yelled as he stood – heedless of the imaginary sniper, “I was on board the Dragon Slayer that day – but I didn’t make the propeller fall off. A board of enquiry exonerated me utterly. It was determined that the fault lay with a boiler-room technician who accidentally whacked it with a broom whilst fighting off an attack of mosquitoes. If you want revenge – then I suggest that you turn your considerable mental ability to finding a means of eradicating the mosquito.”
For a moment utter silence reigned. No one had ever heard a young hamster say so many words without breathing in pure oxygen for at least five minutes previously. They were astounded. But once they’d recovered from the intense feeling of admiration for their local celebrity, good sense made them consider his words.
“Yeah,” Boney was the first to speak. He addressed Henderson Dangerpimple directly, “Why don’t you do exactly what he said – and do us all a favour? I hate mozzies. I s’pect we all do – deep down inside.”
Well the inference was clear to Dangerpimple as the crowd quickly got behind Boney and Horatio. “Death to mozzies! Death to mozzies!” They cried.
“Is it true?” Dangerpimple spoke directly to Horatio for the first time since Colleen Slapper had walked away whilst still wearing her wedding dress, and with her knickers still firmly hitched. “Did they really exonerate you?”
“Scout’s honour.” Horatio smiled with relief, “But if you don’t believe me you can look it up in the town library. There was a full transcript printed in The Bucktooth Times. I’m sure they’ll have a copy of it: It was a big story.”
Henderson Dangerpimple nodded acceptance. “Thank you, Horatio.” He said.
Horatio was puzzled. “For what?”
“For giving new meaning to my life.” Dangerpimple replied, “I realise now that a future in fondant icing isn’t for me: I shall do as you suggest, and turn my considerable intellect to the problem of exterminating an entire species. And as regards your theft of my wife…well I now consider that fair payment. She was really only window dressing anyway: She couldn’t hope to have competed with me in intellectual conversation: I would have tired of her very quickly, I realise that now. But for you she’s perfect. You can both talk endless crap from dawn ‘til dusk. When you finally marry her I hope that you produce a vast number of small Horatios: Hamster-Britain needs more heroes. Good luck.”
© Paul Trevor Nolan
This e-book has been available at pretty much every e-book seller upon the planet. It has not sold in its millions. So, if you would be so kind, how about you visit some of those stockists (mentioned beneath the header of this blog) and make it a huge hit. After all I can’t really call myself a literary genius and Internet sensation without your help can I!