As usual with this occasional and wondrous series, I bring you an excerpt from one of the following Hamster-Sapiens tales…
On this occasion I bring you an excerpt from ‘The Psychic Historian‘. Everybody shout: “Yeah!”
In the time-honoured fashion of hamsters, several members of the audience were caught napping when Sorbresto returned to the stage to continue the evening’s entertainment. Those who weren’t still in the toilets had actually fallen asleep. But not before gorging themselves upon Boney’s culinary efforts. The result of this was a mad rush to their seats as the Audience Recall Klaxon sounded. Sorbresto himself looked rested. In fact he appeared to have shed several grams, and even more years. He looked – Molly Horseblanket concluded – reinvigorated.
“I must have a word or two with that Yu Wah Wah-Wah. See if I can pick up a few tips” She said – leaning close to her son so that no one could over hear her lewdness.
Horatio was of the same opinion – and for a very similar reason. He could feel the steam building up pressure inside his underpants, and it was having an adverse effect upon his sentience. “Yuh.” He responded.
“Ladies and gentlehamsters. Dear, dear friends,” Sorbresto said as he bowed – before gazing about the returning audience, adding, “Do I have another volunteer?”
Several hamsters prodded their friends and neighbours – trying to cajole them into volunteering. But none were having it. Some even sat upon their paws in an effort to stop themselves from succumbing to peer-pressure. Then Lionel Flugelhorn, who also searched the crowd for a likely candidate, noticed the hurried entrance of a tiny dormouse. He recognized him as the seldom-seen Roosevelt Teabiscuit, of whom it was said, “He’s a funny little chap. Have you heard – some say he’s a psychic catalyst.” – which interested Lionel. So following the diminutive rodent’s trajectory, Lionel calculated that his seat must be somewhere in the region of Row G, Section Gertrude. Scanning the aforementioned area his eyes alighted upon the only empty seat – and there in the very next one sat the person he’d hoped to find there: Hamster Heath’s leading private detective – the floppy-hatted, huge-snouted, highly-preposterous, vaguely-effeminate, rampant female-rogering, flouncy blouse and devilish cravat-wearing, Fabian Strangefellow. He turned to Colin, who appeared to have placed his higher brain functions in ‘idle’.
“Colin.” he whispered, “Turn your volume up to ‘max’, and call Fabian Strangefellow to the stage.”
Colin reanimated. “Oh do you think I should? He looks so poncey. Is he really ideal material?”
Receiving a vigorous nod of approval from Fanangy, who stood in the opposite wing, and was in the process of surreptitiously checking that she’d pulled her knickers up, Colin cleared his cybernetic throat, and boomed, “Oh look – we have ourselves a volunteer: It’s none other than Hamster Heath’s foremost private detective – Fabian Strangefellow!”
Well with an introduction like that, Fabian Strangefellow’s ego couldn’t possibly resist, and before long he found himself reclining upon Sorbresto’s sofa.
“Touch me where you will.” He instructed the sexually-sated alien hamster as he prodded and probed for a good contact point, “Nothing will disappoint you.”
And indeed nothing did disappoint. Within moments both hamsters had fallen into a psychic trance, and everyone’s attention was turned upon the TV monitor.
At first nothing was entirely clear to the watching audience. Everything appeared to be coloured green, and cloaked in shadow. Then, as a shaft of sunlight intruded, the picture became clearer, and it was evident that whosever eyes they were witnessing events through was either in an extremely large botanical garden, or was unfortunate enough to live in Deepest Jungle Land. Then the sound track activated, and everyone was certain that they were in for a treat: It was Deepest Jungle Land – where anything was possible – and was usually lethal too!
© Paul Trevor Nolan 2013
If you’d like to discover how this fabulous story develops, the e-book is available at most e-book suppliers, which include all those mentioned on the sidebar to the right →