Once upon a time I wrote a lovely tale about a schoolboy hamster, who, whilst engaged upon a school trip to the seaside, was abducted by a submarine race of rodents. No, that’s not quite correct: It wasn’t lovely at all. It certainly wasn’t suitable for children – though one reader did admit that his grandson had stumbled upon it and asked his mother for a copy (he didn’t get one). It was rather rude you see. Take a look at this brief extract: see what you think.
Temporally speaking it was only a hop, skip, and an enormous bound later when Roman and Amy found themselves upon familiar territory. Such was their unshakable belief in Amy’s plan that they were both certain that the lounge was just around the next corner. But if there was a flaw in Amy’s plan, the young female hamster reasoned, it was the police constable’s certainty that he would find more Happy Lobster Juice there.
‘Was it too much to expect?’ She wondered, ‘Wasn’t it more likely that an automatic system would have turned off the flow? Wasn’t it probable that in between times the pirates had gorged themselves upon the remaining liquid?’ There were so many scenarios – all of which could end in disaster if they weren’t extremely careful. Then she tripped upon some courgette rind that had obviously been spilled during the descent; collided with a statue of a naked water nymph that had miraculously survived thus far; and caused a most horrendous racket when it smashed into a million shards and was scattered as far as the eye could see along the smoky corridor.
“Holy Fluff!” Amy screeched in alarm.
For a moment Roman stood stock-still in shock. He’d never heard such an expletive pass the delicate bifurcated lips of such a lovely female before. Then shock was replaced by fear as two pirates, alerted by the noise, trudged around the corner in their huge boots, and carrying their deadly directed energy weapons. Worse still – one of them was Gustav Grossemember!
“Argh!” Amy added in horror.
But in that moment of panic, when their plan seemed to billow from the existential window of life like a wind-blown net curtain and career across the metaphysical countryside upon a silent motorbike, their forethought and planning suddenly paid dividends.
Watching events intently upon their TV monitor, Blur and Sprightly sprang into action, and before the two pirates could say much more than “Ach, it is being two of the prisoners: Kill them! Kill them upon sight.” a vicious bolt of electricity leapt across the gap between a broken light fitting and the two helpless former chart-toppers – and blew their guns to pieces.
Well Roman didn’t waste a second lecturing upon the dangers of loose electricity within a confined space: Instead he grabbed Amy’s free paw – the other was covering her eyes – and leapt past the two stunned and bewildered desperados; dived into the empty lounge; and ran his tongue along the skirting board in search of any stray residue of the Happy Lobster Juice leak. As a consequence of this, when Gustav had recovered sufficiently to find his way back into the lounge for a sit down upon the sofa, he found the police constable ready for action.
“Hee-yah” Roman screamed as he jumped across the room – his feet thrusting forward in search of a target.
Moments later those same feet made contact with Gustav’s head, and for the short, powerful, ex-roadie for Badly Needed Piss, it was ‘Goodnight Sweetheart – over and out’.
Roman then pursued the other desperado for fifteen circumnavigations of the lounge compartment, until his opponent suffered some sort of cardio vascular hiccup, and fell headlong down the garbage chute.
“Oh Roman,” Amy gushed as she threw her arms about the young police officer’s neck, “You’re such a hunk. If we weren’t in mortal peril, and we weren’t embarked upon a mission of utmost import, I would wrestle your tattooed personal protuberance from inside your police regulation trousers; and we’d have rampant non-reproductive sexual intercourse right here and now – where the cameras don’t work anymore!”
© Paul Trevor Nolan
This is what the e-book looks like. It remains available at most e-book retailers.
I changed my mind: it is lovely – but in a slightly disgusting way.