Junior Earplug Adventures: Natural Selection (Part 21)

Meanwhile, in a place that is as far away from Mars as it is possible to get…

…the Supreme Being had eaten an entire garlic clove, and he was proving it to Nennigross and Lucian, in the meanest way possible..

Both earplugs were furious at the Supreme Being’s lack of respect for sentient creatures…

“You’re a big butt-wipe.” Nennigross snapped – which amused Lucian.

This was, possibly, one of the worse responses that the inexperienced young female could have made, because she had no idea that God-like creatures were incapable of defecating, and greatly envied those who could, and would spend many hours unravelling toilet rolls and dropping them into the toilet in a pathetic attempt to simulate the art of wiping their (non-existent) bum.

“Butt-wipe?” He bellowed so loudly that a super-massive black hole formed spontaneously in a neighbouring galaxy. “You dare to mock my inability to take a dump? For that you shall pay dearly!”

A heart-beat later…

…the entire alternate realm went crazy and the Supreme Being launched a full spread of proton torpedoes from out of his mouth. But instead of totally annihilating the tiny silicon life-forms at the sub-atomic level, Nennigross and her boyfriend merely glowed eerily.

“Duh?” Went the Supreme Being as consternation overwhelmed his ability to form coherent thoughts and words.

Lucian didn’t waste a second. Whilst the Supreme Being’s attention was distracted by the impossible, he whipped a pair of his favourite hair stylist’s scissors from his back pocket, and stabbed his would-be nemesis right up the nostrils. The result was exactly what he’d hoped for, but least expected…

And whilst the Supreme Being cried, “Oooow!”, Nennigross and Lucian dropped to the ground, and quickly began the very long walk home…

They ran for miles across the endless white stripey plain, expecting that at any second they would be swept from the ground and dashed to a million component molecules against the insensitive wall of eternity.

“Why didn’t those proton torpedoes destroy us?” Lucian gasped as he struggled to keep up with his fleet-of-foot girlfriend.

“It was nothing that I did.” She replied breathlessly. “So I guess it must have been either my new bra, or divine intervention.”

As though on cue, Golden Magnuss appeared before them…

“Hello.” He said. “I’m Magnuss Earplug. It seems that I’ve been whipped out of my own space/time-frame, by unknown powers, to assist you. It happened before quite recently, which kind of surprised me. This time I was almost ready for it. Because I’m a saint, I do have a few talents that are uncommon to earplugs. One of those talents is the ability to neutralise proton torpedoes – not that I knew that before, of course. I discovered I had it for the first time when the Supreme Being tried to blow you to pieces. Good, isn’t it?”

“Hello, Magnuss.” Nennigross replied. “Yes it is. I’m a big fan of yours, by the way. I’d kiss you, but I don’t think we have time for that.”

Of course Nennigross was entirely correct. Even as she spoke, the Supreme Being was blowing gigantic pain-reducing bubbles of snot down his nose…

“Oh the ignominy of it all.” He groaned to himself, as he tried to clean his eye glasses with snotty fingers. So he didn’t notice that Magnuss led his captives…

…along a metaphysical and entirely illusionary ledge to another portion of the distant realm.

To be continued…

© Paul Trevor Nolan 2017



About Tooty Nolan

Writer of silly tales, taker of pictures, and all round good egg
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4 Responses to Junior Earplug Adventures: Natural Selection (Part 21)

  1. Jayne higgs says:

    Good old Magnuss always there to save the day.That SB is really NASTY..This is getting really exciting.Cant wait for the next episode.

  2. Jayne higgs says:

    Those teeth are something else if I was a Earplug I would hate to be on the receiving end of those.And to eat an whole garlic clove,bad.You “butt-wipe”.

    • Tooty Nolan says:

      It’s sheer coincidence that he looks vaguely like me. Fortunately I don’t have pointy teeth, glowing red eyes, and the ability to eat an entire garlic clove.

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