I’ve Been a Little Busy


If you’re wondering where the heck I’ve been…well I’ve been a little busy – re-writing the first few stories of Earplug Adventures, whilst writing the current tale, and taking photos for the next. As a taster, here’s a snippet from the current work…

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They found Ballington near Swottan Hetty, where he’d popped out for a newspaper and a sherbet dip.

“What do you lot want?” He demanded when they blocked his way.

“We’re the Earplug Brothers.” Rudi began without preamble or niceties. “It’s our job to protect the Museum of Future Technology from nut-jobs like you.”

“Nut-job?” Ballington reacted with indignation and anger. “Who are you calling a nut-job?”

By now the press had arrived, and the scene was bathed in the stark white light of a thousand flash bulbs…

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“There is no such thing as a god in the Museum of Future Technology.” Rudi informed Ballington. “Ergo, you are not a god.”

“You’re very talented in a psychic sort of way.” Valentine softened the blow, then added, “but that doesn’t make you a god.”

“Yes.” Miles spoke out too. “We think you should shove off somewhere else.”

“Too right.” Chester backed up his twin. “And take your loony followers with you!”

Ballington wasn’t about to give up on god-hood just yet. He began a debate upon gods in general…

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“You say that there is no such thing as a god?” He asked rhetorically. “Well what about the sun gods of your ancestors?”

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“Our ancestors were prats.” Rudi answered. “They only had two brains cells to rub together. Today believing in the sun gods is like believing in…

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…the great watering can god, who sprinkles us with his love every time it rains.”

Such a powerful argument forced Ballington to concede that point. But he countered with…

robo god

“What about the great cybernetic god? Lot’s of robots believe in that!”

“No they don’t.”  Miles snapped. “They only believe in it when they want to. For example, if they don’t want to do something, they say ‘the great cybernetic god wouldn’t approve’. Other times they’d say ‘I’m just off down the dog track to pray to the great cybernetic god’. It’s a god of convenience, and nothing more.”

Ballington harrumphed at this. He knew when he was beaten, but he didn’t want the earplugs to know that he knew.

“Okay, wise ass,” he growled, “what about…

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…the three wise faces totem? That actually exists. Why, on sunny days…

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…people of all rubbery types, go out to the arboretum, and give thanks for the warm sunshine and clement weather.”

Valentine was concerned that Ballington might have a valid point: he well remembered earplugs flocking to the totem during a mini-ice age…

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“It’s just a wooden pole.” Rudi dismissed the totem with a shrug. “I once painted a huge penis on it during the school holiday. Some idiots thought that it was a divine sign of fertility, and dragged their girlfriends ’round the back of the bicycle shed to give them a ‘good seeing to’.”

Ballington ground his teeth with frustration. His thoughts grew wild and random.

“What about the…

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…the twin-horned obelisk of transvestitism?” He blurted. “That’s a brilliant god, that is; though not as good as me, obviously.”

“It’s nothing but a big slab of plastic with eyes painted on it.” Chester said, before pointing out an important fact. “And the transvestites use it as a urinal.”

Now Ballington grew really mad, and he cast a huge shadow that startled the Earplug Brothers…

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“Don’t lecture me about gods.” Ballington boomed. “I’m an expert in the field. This is what a god looks like.” He boomed as he tossed the earplugs a photograph of a recently completed monastery dedicated to Ballington in particular, and corks in general…

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© Paul Trevor Nolan 2015

 

 

 

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About Tooty Nolan

Writer of silly tales, taker of pictures, and all round good egg
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