Who is In & Who is Out

Well the votes have been collated and counted. The result is – we have some winners; and we have some losers. Of course new faces will appear in the next Earplug Adventure, but so will some old ones. Sadly, due to lack of public support, the Punting-Modesty XL5…

…will not be resurrected from the scrap yard. Neither will there be a need to dig out a cupboard full of…

…sombreros. But, most surprisingly, the four former monks of Lemon Stone…

…get kicked into touch too! So, in the next Earplug Adventure, you will witness the re-emergence of Don Quibonki and his personal aide, Panta Lonez…

Atcherly Speekin and Quentin Hearthrob (though probably sans the scout craft)…

The Museum of Future Technology’s Artificial Intelligence (looking forward to that one: where’s a selfie stick when you most need one?)…

Those two rogues, Hellfire McWilliams and Erroneous Bosche…

And (fanfare please) Nokaks Newbold, Belle Ching, Delia Stodge, Ragi Half-Nelson, Wendy Rucksack, and Poki Kitchener. Collectively known as the dancing girls of the alternate reality…

Oh Jeez, what have I let myself in for?

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Portrait Gallery 83: Brand New Surface on an Ancient Lane

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Junior Earplug Adventures: The Island of Doctor Wiel-Barrau (Episode 38)

And they continued to await obliteration for almost three minutes before they realised that they had miscalculated the speed of the approaching missile and that they still had several minutes within which to react rationally and with a calm intelligence. So, whilst Adolf gagged with revulsion at his acolytes devotion to their self-preservation, Darcy and Norma legged it…

“Quick, Norma.” Darcy gasped as they ran. “There’s an emergency escape pod three doors down. I had it installed during my sophomore year here. Just in case.”

Three doors down, the two females clambered into the escape pod…

Unaware of Darcy’s secret, Adolf chose to delve into the lower levels of his facility…

For a moment he almost felt secure. But then he looked at the workmanship of the poured concrete walls…

…and he realised that his choice of contractor shouldn’t have been based upon the price. After only a few years, fissures and cracks were already showing through.

“This is being no bloody good at all.” He growled. “Somewhere else I must be hiding.”

So he ran as quickly as he could in the direction of the outside world…

But as he burst into the foyer he saw something that pulled him up short…

It was three members of his clone army that, he had assumed, were scouring the island for the missing captives…

“What are you doing here?”Adolf inquired. “Searching for my absent Earplug Superiors you should be doing. And those hats are not regulation being.”

“Sho’nuf they aint regulation, baby.” One of the clones replied in a tone that was utterly alien to Adolf. “But they sure are groovy. Know what I mean, man?”

“Absolutely.”Another said, as his gaze slid upwards to the winking red light mounted upon the front of his hat. “We found them in the R and D department. They are simply divine. I intend to wear mine in every conceivable situation, and several situations that are currently inconceivable – like going to the toilet for the first time.”

But it was the moment when one of them belched horribly…

…that Adolf realised that something was seriously wrong. All three clones were exact duplicates of him; but he had never belched – not even in his sleep. Then, as his clones dashed off to find a bottle of tomato sauce, a feeling of despair swept over him…

“What a load of poo I am being.” He whispered sotto voce. “I, Adolf Wiel-Barrau – or ‘rusty’ to his friends – am a useless scientist being. I am deserving to die in a fireball of nuclear conflagration. Now earplugdom must be waiting another generation or ten before somebody is creating the Earplug Superior. And no one will be remembering Adolf and his seriously flawed workings.”

He would have said more, but he was interrupted by a loud clearing of a cybernetic throat…

“Adolf, you are a turd.” The Oracle announced. “Now ask me if there is a way out of this mess.”

© Paul Trevor Nolan 2017 

 

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Reality Strikes Behind the Scenes

Look at this charming scene from one of the Worstworld volumes. The roving Earplug Brothers have had their plugmutts seized by the United Stoats 7th Cavalry. Here they are being led to the corral inside Fort Balderdash…

All terribly convincing I’m sure. But look: everything isn’t at all what it seems…

Oh-no, it’s not a real fort at all: Just a superbly painted piece of polystyrene packaging. How disappointing. And, oh my, how tiny the actors are. How can anybody ever believe in the earplugs again? But, then again, how could you possibly disbelieve?

Of course the earplugs are real. Silly. Where do you think I get my stories from?

 

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Forgotten Heroes 1

The Junior Earplug Adventures never fails to remind us of the heroism of the Earplug Brothers; but in past tales others have ‘done their bit’ for the greater good too. In Forgotten Heroes 1 I’d like to remind you of two such silicon life-forms – the first being Nature Beast…

…who tried very, very hard to be heroic, but sadly was totally crap at it. And the other is the time-shifting Gobby…

Here he fails to apprehend (or even notice) the recalcitrant (public enemies numbers one, two, and three)Eco-Warriors. But, on this occasion, he did have a good excuse: he was going to get his underpants cleaned. He did eventually manage something pretty dramatic though. He saved an entire buggy race entry from certain death (following a meteor strike) by moving them back in time. But, of course, no one remembered it – not even Gobby – because time travel does that.

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Sometimes I’d Like to Stop Pulling my Punches

Those of you who have been visiting me for a long time might recall that once upon a time my Junior Earplug Adventures were simply entitled Earplug Adventures and were very rude. In this shot from Third Day of the Earplug, Winston Gloryhole…

…is visiting Dr Pox with a nasty case of Sore Throat. Apparently he’d been over-using his fine tenor in the curator’s office. But in the original tale he was suffering from an equally nasty case of Sore Dick. Apparently, instead of singing, he’d been sticking his bazooka up another curators arse. Now doesn’t the child-friendly version seem just a little tame in comparison? And I miss some of the ruder names too. These two…

…the Iceworld’s traitorous Ludmilla Pongfinger and Kim Phat Lipp, were originally called Ludmilla Arsefinger and Kim Phat Kock. Much better, I think you’ll agree. But don’t get me wrong; I REALLY enjoy writing Junior Earplug Adventures – and I don’t plan to stop any time soon: but sometimes being rude is even more fun!

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Junior Earplug Adventures: The Island of Doctor Wiel-Barrau (Episode 37)

As the captain of the Chi-Z-Sox, it fell to Professor Hydious Gout to make the decision. He whispered his intention to Magnuss, which made the young terrestrial earplug grin with anticipation…

Doctor Putridity and Hair-Trigger were equally pleased with the choice. “May I give the command, dearest?” Putridity asked hopefully.

“Of course, my sweet.” Hydious replied. “But let’s go for a small one, eh? We don’t want to set seismologists around the planet off on a wild goose chase.”

“Weapons.” Putridy spoke sharply to the pinky-orange recent recruit that manned the Defensive Stuff and Shooting console. “Target the Island of Doctor Wiel-Barrau: low yield: non-contact detonation. Fire when ready.”

This was just the sort of command that any self-respecting recent recruit yearns for. His fingers flew across his console like those of a seasoned pro. “Crimson Alert.” He shouted – rather louder than he had intended. “Stand by for recoil. Everyone brace yourselves.” Seconds later…

“Wowie.” Magnuss yelled…

…”Look at that bugger go!”

“Track it.” Hydious roared. He’d never fired a planetary assault weapon before; and he wasn’t sure he liked the sensation. “Track it. If it goes off course, destroy it instantaneously.”

But he needn’t have worried…

…because the missile performed a perfect right-turn, and set off along an invisible path to Earth…

Meanwhile, down upon the island, a proximity alarm had Adolf, Darcy, and Norma racing from the secret cloning lab, where they discovered that the facility had been targeted by a space-born weapons system…

“Mien Gott.” Adolf cried. “All my fabulous work – reduced to slime and rubble!”

“Slime?” Darcy inquired.

Adolf took a moment to explain: “All of the biological stuff I am keeping in the subterranean storage tanks. A huge amount there is being inside them. A vast ball of slime, most glutenous, will be resulting, I am being sure.”

Then they awaited the inevitable impact…

© Paul Trevor Nolan 2017

 

 

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